Dr. Bill's Blog: Insight on maintaining healthy relationships and living a more fulfilled life

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Why Psychotherapy?

"Just get over it, I can do it myself, pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Common sense or crazy, it's out there in the culture. We are independent folk, we like to do things ourselves, make our own way. Getting help is viewed as weak, needy and wallowing. Our hero's are silent types, fighting the good fight and enduring difficulty with aplomb and certitude.

So, that's the fantasy, what's the reality? The real deal is that for millions of years we organized ourselves in tribes, with hierarchy, shamen, wise old people and plenty of relatives to take over. They had rights of passage that helped young men and women to learn the secrets of hunting and childbirth. We had the support of the group. That no longer exists except in some cyber reality. Cyber space lacks the human touch but certainly helps many people get through the day. We live in two or one parent homes, with family spread out and largely unavailable on a daily basis. Our friends have their own troubles and cannot afford to listen to our travails.

We then get back to psychotherapy. What are we trying to do? Some think that we try to relieve responsibility by blaming the parents. Others believe that it is self indulgent to sit there and talk about ourselves. The truth is that we are about relieving pain. Emotional pain in the form of anxiety, depression, anger and low self esteem are at the heart of the causes of emotional unrest. Unfortunately we are too close to the subject to know what to do. The missing link is another person, an objective observer, non judgmental and non critical voice who can help build skills for relieving internal tension, bad relationships and experiential pain.

Yet another thing that is missing in people's lives is someone who will listen for an hour to our difficulties, stresses and fears. I often talk to CEO's, business people and young people trying to make it in this competitive world but have no skills to do it. We have lost our tribal roots, we are emotionally adrift in large cities and fall victim to our loneliness and inability to see what is needed to get through life in a good way.

Psychotherapy is the good parent, the supportive partner and another pair of eyes. We are on your side with the knowledge of how we work and what has gone wrong along the way. We are creating a corrective emotional experience, one that was missing, with emotional supplies and knowledge to go out into the world and make our lives work better. It may sound like I am the psychotherapy evangelist but you know what, someone has to stand up and tell the truth. MIght as well be me.

The Importance of Intimacy in a Relationship

"The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible." - Carolyn Heilbrun

For most of us, the word intimate conjures up romantic images of candlelit dinners, slow dancing, and long passionate kisses. Romantic gestures are certainly a dominant theme of intimacy, but there is more. Intimacy in the real world is the result of expressing our feelings, our personal secrets, and our deepest truths to each other. It arises when we feel cared about, accepted, and loved for our own sake, warts and all.

The word intimacy originates from the Latin word intima, which means “inner” or “innermost.” Thomas Patrick Malone writes in The Art of Intimacy, “The outstanding quality of the intimate experience is the sense of being in touch with our real selves. It allows us a fresh awareness of who, what, and how we are.”

Ideally, intimacy is a blend of emotional closeness, spiritual connectedness, and an open heart and mind. Its origin lies in intellectual collaboration and familiarity, especially with one another’s culture and interests. It may also involve shared religious or philosophical beliefs. Finally, intimacy can be an emotional response to knowing someone well by virtue of shared experiences. When we think of the word intimate we see both the word in and the word mate. That is kind of how it works: being inside another person in a way that feels as though we psychologically mate with him or her and in that way become intimate.

When we share details about our life that usually remain hidden, we are connecting in an intimate way. The extent to which we can disclose deeply private personal feelings and experiences is proportionate to how safe we feel, so safety is a requirement for intimacy as well. Of course, intimacy means different things to different people, and its meaning for us may even change over time. It can be linked with sexual closeness, but not necessarily; intimate feelings arise from shared moments of emotional connection as well as from sexual encounters. Whatever its particular nature, intimacy is the product of relationship work and the result of feeling emotionally connected to our loved one. It’s the operating principle for creating love.

As Thomas Patrick Malone eloquently makes clear, intimacy is not only about the other, it is about who we are. And the most powerful and profound awareness of who we are comes when we open our hearts to others, allowing them to touch our deepest sensitivity. In the act of risking our tender inner world, we become more of who we are because we feel touched in an untouched place.

Intimacy takes courage because we must risk expressing our deepest sense of self to create it. We may be apprehensive about opening our hearts and minds to another for fear of being judged or rejected. But the reward is immense. It is the antidote to painful loneliness. It reaches into our hearts, providing love that satisfies our need for emotional food. Our ability to establish and maintain nurturing intimate relationships is not only gratifying, it nourishes us and ultimately helps keep us sane. Our survival as a species requires that we seek connections with others and open our own inner world to them. Intimacy breaks into our isolation and intertwines our souls and, if done with tenderness and care, creates safe and secure attachments. This ability to intimately connect with others is the backbone of civilization. Intimacy is what makes us human.

 

Making The Effort

People say things like "Trying doesn't count" when referring to relationships. The truth is, it does make a difference. When our partner can see that we are trying to do those things that are important to them, they feel loved. Being response-able is very critical step toward creating a loving environment.

When we have a fight with our partner and they can see that we have listened to them because we are trying to do those things that were said, damn right it makes difference. Trying is not necessarily about grand gestures, small things work just as well. Writing a note, keeping agreements, being on time, being patient and kind are all small things that work.

So, the next time someone says to you that trying is for kids, don't listen.

Getting Through Worry

What is the song, "Don't worry be happy?" Were it so easy we would all be better off. Worry is instilled in us from a very early age. We worry about money, jobs, love, friends or whatever else might come up. Worry is like a light that we shine on different things but the worry is the same. The financial downturn, rising prices, the demands of daily life give rise to constant stress and worry. It appears out of thin air like an odorless, tasteless gas, invading our thoughts.

Where does worry come from? It originates with our parents. If they worried all the time then they couldn't teach us how to understand life better or how to cope with the difficulties that it presents. Worry can also be cultural.

Worry is magical thinking. We believe that it does something to us that helps us. Like our worry makes us more vigilant or if we worry hard enough it will keep our loved ones safe and the plane they are flying in won't fall from the sky. Worry is a useless waste of good energy and provides nothing except more worry.

The only thing there is to do is to focus on what makes our lives work better which takes concentration on events occurring right in front of us that we can actually do something about. To rid ourselves of worry is near impossible. If it is going to occur we must develop an objective view of the universe rather than everything revolving around us. Worry is essentially fear. To not be fearful requires that we take action either by learning something, doing something or becoming a better person.

Love at First Sight

A Beatles song captures the imagination of youthful love in the verse, "When she crossed that room, my heart went boom and I fell in love with her." When we are hit with that thunderbolt, we become teenagers again as a tsunami of chemicals amass the feelings of love at first sight. At this point our bodies are chock full of pheromones, oxytocin and vasopressin, the love combo, as it whipsaws us around in a whirl of chemical goo. How sweet it is. Scientists now believe we needed those compounds to survive as a species when animals roamed free some ten thousand years ago. At the time a women needed a man to be interested enough to protect her and her infant until the child was old enough to keep up with the swift moving tribe.

The tempo of a new relationship feels like it has wheels as it moves at emotional lightning speed toward a full blown commitment. Before we know it, we are walking down the aisle and saying our "I do’s." Real life is another matter. We soon realize that this vision of perfection has some chinks. Often the person we thought we knew has morphed into another species. Relationships start out romantic then lead to disappointment and ultimately to alienation according to Daniel Wile the noted relationship author and speaker. Wile contends that while relationships are filled with a certain struggle all is not lost. We can’t do much about disappointment but we can work on alienation. These alienated situations need to be talked out, worked through, so we become more connected and less ambivalent.

Get the picture, of course you do. Relationships can be quite nurturing, loving and kind or cut like a knife right into the sinew and nerve of our most sensitive feelings. Eventually, we find some serious annoyances and defenses which can suddenly spring forth in avalanches of boiling anger, ready to rip our loved one from ear to ear. Relationships present quite the challenge over the long haul. What it really takes to continue the love we had at first is something to strive for, but the secret is that we have to pay attention. For love to endure we need to learn how to throw the proverbial log on the relationship fire. To maintain a loving relationship requires that we are the sort of person whom someone could love. We think we can do whatever we want, say anything that comes to mind and let it all hang out. But a marriage license can’t become a license to kill if love is to remain viable. To preserve a loving relationship requires that we make love in every sense of the word. It doesn’t always just happen, it takes some planning, some perseverance, tolerance and a sense of humor to make it run smoothly.

When we are first in love we can’t really know what may lie ahead. For the next umpteen years we are faced with the foibles and flaws of another human being. Trying to change them is useless, so the only solution is to accept this person warts and all or go down the path toward relationship hell. If we don't know something about our own craggy inner terrain we are doomed to the jungle of conflict cycles with no foreseeable end or the dead end of fighting for position in competitive power failures.

Love after the initial blast off is essentially a creation. We fashion love through first-rate conflict resolution skills, communication, laughter, sex and affection. Love is an activity; it is about creating love by being loving, kind, caring, responsible, reliable and supportive. In this way we actively promote loving feelings. Obviously, if we apply compassion, understanding, respect, empathy, acceptance, patience and perseverance we will support loving feelings. Through all the vagaries of relationships they inevitably lead to negotiating our wants, needs, dreams and wishes with another who is hopefully interested enough to consider it. When it is all said and done we need to tend our relationship garden with gentle hands. If we actively create moments of enjoyment while letting the small stuff roll like water off a rock we will win the relationship wars. We must not forget that our relationship is perfect but there is always room for improvement. The work of love is gaining the ability to look at ourselves from within and between while listening to our loved one so they can show us what we cannot see.

Some Reflection

"Only connect,” wrote E. M. Forster in Howards End,“and human love will be seen at its height.” Love depends on a couple’s ability to forge and then maintain the precious bond between them. We want to look more closely at ways of creating connection, preserving it through challenging times, and healing breaks when they occur.

via billcloke.typepad.com

Some Reflection

"Only connect,” wrote E. M. Forster in Howards End,“and human love will be seen at its height.” Love depends on a couple’s ability to forge and then maintain the precious bond between them. We want to look more closely at ways of creating connection, preserving it through challenging times, and healing breaks when they occur.

One way to think about marriage or relationships that are important, whether in the work place or at home, is to think of them like relations between two foreighn countries with different cultures, desires, states of mind, wants, and needs. If the countries are to get along, they must use proper protocol, proper greetings, good manners, cordiality, and consideration. From this standpoint, we can think of ourselves as goodwill ambassadors. Being diplomatic especially when we are expressing a complaint helps us to accept the bitter pill. When we are expressing emotionally charged feelings about what we want and don’t want, like or don’t like, we are much more likely to be heard and understood if we say it in a way that is respectful and kind.

Considering important relationships in terms of relating to a neighboring county and each one wants to live in peace is a good way to think about what it means to create a loving environment. We have freedom in relationships, but not license to do whatever we want without repercussion or consequence. If we believe that love and respect are earned through our behavior, then we will be much more likely to think about what we say and do. Being civil, diplomatic, and thoughtful goes a long way toward being understood and accepted. The best way to get through to our

COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

As we know, relationships do not always run smoothly. There are many factors that influence our thinking, feelings, and attitudes in ways that may conflict with our partner’s—among them gender, race, religious background, temperament, sexual desire, stress, career pressures, education level, personal sensitivities, and values. If we take these differences into account in our communication style, we can tailor how we say what we think and feel to our partner. For example, if we know that our partner is biased or has particularly tender feelings about a particular subject, we can take that into consideration in the way we speak to him or her and learn how to steer around their internal land mine.

Other elements that influence our communication style are the demands associated with things like the cost of living, work, family, friends, personal interests, and health issues. We cannot help but bring these pressures to bear in our relationships. Couples who fashion their communicative style in a way that reflects this complexity create a healthier partnership and ultimately a more loving relationship. This is the goal of healthy couple interaction—to respond to our partner with tenderness and tolerance, amidst feelings of fairness, concern, and a willingness to listen with an open mind and share ideas that include finding common ground.

There are two levels of emotional content in conflicts with our partner,manifest and latent—both what appears to us when we observe our own and our partner’s behavior and what lies below the surface that may be influencing our behavior. Understanding and addressing the latent concerns is often the best way to resolve our differences and difficulties together. For example, if a couple are in conflict because one of them wants to get married and the other doesn’t, the manifest content might be a sense of reluctance on the part of one person, but the latent content could very well be fear of failure. If they frame their discussion differently What kind of marriage do we want to have and what are we most afraid of? they can include in that conversation both manifest and latent content. Bringing the latent content into our communications helps draw us closer because it allows us access to the entire personality and thus makes it possible to end the conflict. When couples do not address or resolve the latent content their conflict will not be resoled and is most commonly the reason for conflict cycles to continue culminating in stalemate or hopelessness. Understanding latent content helps us stay in a position of support to nurture both ourselves and our partner.

Good conflict resolution skills require focus and time. With all the pressure we encounter in our daily lives, time for this kind of reflection and discussion can be elusive, so we need to deliberately create opportunities to talk about the dimensions of our concerns. The first step is to understand what our basic concerns are, and the second step is to present them diplomatically. The third step is to find some solutions that might work well for both people. For the couple who were arguing about whether to marry, it might work best to set a time and date for a decision then make an agreement to talk about what kind of marriage they want and work through their fears. Love is a complicated act and requires not only understanding of the other but knowledge of one's self. If we understand what we are bringing to the table in any conflict we are half way toward resolution. When relataionships fail it is because one or both people are not willing to look at what they might be contributing to the problem. The critical element then is generosity in a conflict. If we are generous we will take a look and what we are being told and try to connect it to ourselves. At the very least and most importantly we can acknowledge our partner even if we don't agree. Being heard and understood is in the end is the way we connect. If our relationship is primary and connection is key, then we always know where we are going and what it takes to create love.

Is Criticism Ever Constructive?

Is there such a thing as constructive criticism? Not really? Criticism seems more like a punch in the stomach than a helpful hint. Complaints are a different animal altogether. The major difference between a criticism and a complaint is that a criticism is a personal attack and a complaint is about who we are. Criticism creates defensiveness. How could it be otherwise? Defensiveness is a knee jerk response to criticism; it’s payback. A complaint on the other hand aspires to loftier goals; it’s about your inner world.

via billcloke.typepad.com

A Code for Creating Love

For couples, the development of moral processes and belief systems helps relationships run more smoothly and provides an important steadying influence. To develop our moral code we must question, scrutinize, evaluate, and enunciate those values we hold to be important. These earnest efforts to create shared values are the bulwark of relationship stability. Establishing values we agree upon is like reaching level ground where a relationship can find its balance and keep moving forward.

Lasting love is supported best by principles, opinions, feelings, ethics, and morals that represent what is important to both people—and that both people are willing to make a priority. As I sit with couples who are fighting about an issue that seems so crucial at the time, I often say, “What’s more important, your relationship or being right?” They usually stop fighting, because what I am saying rings true. They see that they’ve gotten lost in their own hurt, in being self-righteous, in trying to win. When writing a code for a relationship, we can set rules of engagement, like how to show respect and concern during discussions and how to include different points of view, that help keep our viewpoints from diverging into conflict.

AT PEACE WITH OURSELVES

Love over time grows from understanding two things: how we have been shaped by our life experience, and how we interact with our partner in regard to his or her feelings and needs. To put it another way, lasting love arises from a deep knowledge and acceptance of who we are and who we are with. Only when we come to this knowledge—and accept, even forgive, the wrongs of our past—can we take responsibility for the outcome of our own lives. We cease blaming others for our misfortunes and clear a space where love can thrive.

Melanie Klein, who worked closely with Sigmund Freud and contributed many classic works to the field of psychology, wrote:

A good relation to ourselves is a condition for love, tolerance and wisdom towards others. This good relation to ourselves has . . . developed in part from a friendly, loving and understanding attitude towards other people, namely, those who meant much to us in the past, and our relationship to whom has become part of our minds and personalities. If we have become able, deep in our unconscious minds, to clear our feelings to some extent towards our parents of grievances, and have forgiven them for the frustrations we had to bear, then we can be at peace with ourselves and are able to love others in the true sense of the word.

The words of Melanie Klein ring as true now as when she wrote them so many decades ago. She goes on to say that:

Part of the process of loving someone is to make peace with ourselves, our history, and our upbringing. To find those inevitable similarities and differences is the beginning stage of relating to another person without losing who we are and what is truly essential about us. How love is made not only involves how we behave towards our partner but how we are towards ourselves. How can we love someone else when we have no love to give?

When we can weave together what we need to do for ourselves with what we need to give to and get from our partner, we create a richer, more satisfying, and ultimately more contented life. What we need to do for ourselves is to create our own self-esteem, advance in our work or career, and take care of our health and our personal issues. What we need to give to and get from our partner is love, affection, comfort, support, sex, and companionship. When successfully married couples are asked the secret of their success, invariably they answer, “It takes work.” It does take work, but we must remember that it is love’s work, and when we give ourselves to it we are rewarded with sweet serenity and a sense that love will last because we make it so. We make love last when we create a vision for our relationship that we live by and we do the work of sticking to our promises. Then we know we can reach out to each other in difficult times and help each other and be good to each other, happy together as the years go by.

Falling in love is a mystery, but loving that same person over a lifetime is the ultimate personal challenge. For love to last, vital elements need to come together: an ongoing sex life, a satisfying lifestyle, the ability to connect deeply through compassionate honesty, even just working out a way to get through daily life. Lasting love requires that each person be fully committed and willing to do the work that produces an emotional connection. Both partners must feel safe and secure, so that they can express themselves without judgment or criticism. Their daily conversation must contain active compassion, empathy, understanding, and kindness.

For Your Inter-Reflection

How Love Is Made

1. What do you like about your relationship? When you are the most happy with your partner, what is he or she doing?

2. What would you like to change about your relationship? When you are the least happy with your partner, what is he or she doing?

3. Can you identify the confluence of pain in your relationship?

4. What about your relationship would you like to be different from the way you grew up?

5. Try writing an ethical code for your relationship. Ask your partner to do the same, then share your thoughts. Work toward agreeing on the principles that you feel are essential to maintain peace and harmony in your relationship.

6. Make a wish list for your future together.

Exerpted from Happy Together by Bill Cloke

 

 

The Architecture of Love

Creating intimacy is a lot like building a house. We start with a solid foundation of truth, acceptance, and reality; we lay out the rooms of our desires, fantasies, wants, and needs; we frame the windows to our soul, wire in our emotional connections, add the hardware of values, joy, and sexuality, and join them all together to create a home. The raw materials for our building are drawn from a dialogue about what we want, need, and value about ourselves and our mate.

The dialogue of intimacy, as we’ve seen, is about knowing who we are and what we want from life together and making agreements based on realistic expectations and shared values. So that we can maintain an open and constructive dialogue, it’s helpful to keep some key points in mind:

1. Understand your fears so they don’t come out as blame or criticism. If we are afraid to be close for fear of rejection, or if we feel ashamed about needing anyone, we may use blame and criticism to distance ourselves as a protective measure.

2. Acknowledge what your partner is telling you before you make your point. Letting our partner know that we understand how he or she feels maintains our connection.

3. Discuss what you want and need from each other. Defining our needs helps us know more about how to satisfy them. It is also a way to work through the fear of depending on or needing anyone.

4. Build commonality through conversations about deeply held beliefs. Making connections through common values and concerns helps to build a stronger base.

5. Air complaints on a regular basis. Don’t let them build up too long or they will create resentment and distance.

6. Be in touch with your defensiveness so you can prevent it from disrupting your ability to solve problems. The more we know about how our defenses are working, the better able we are to prevent emotional distance. By being unable to listen and respond to what our partner is trying to tell us, we impede our ability to resolve conflicts.

7. Never assume. People often act on assumptions without ever giving the other person the right to deny them or correct them. Assumptions are often about our own issues that we are projecting onto our partner. Check out your assumptions by asking about them in the form of a question, such as: “When we were talking the other night about my past, it felt like you were being critical of me, even though you didn’t say it directly. Did you mean to be critical?”

8. Treat your partner with respect. Be civil and listen with an open mind.

One of the most important things we can do to develop intimacy is to learn how to listen well to what our partner is trying to tell us. If intimacy is like a house, we might say that listening is the door by which we enter. And active listening is more than hearing what our mate has to say; it’s letting him or her know that we have heard and giving feedback that validates what’s been said. Let’s say our mate wants to talk about a bad day at work. We can listen actively using simple responses: nodding, saying “Yes” or “Uh-huh,” or actually repeating back what we have heard (“It sounds like your boss said some harsh things in that meeting”).

Intimacy stimulates an entire range of feelings and moods. In healthy relationships, Often feelings may fluctuate from being in love to feeling annoyance or anger to not feeling much of anything. Life stresses such as work pressures, health issues, family crises, and difficulties with friends affect our mood states, evoking emotional responses. If we are to live in harmony with our partner, we need to be aware of how our fluctuating feelings affect our ability to love.