About Our Blind Spots

Working with couples over the years there are two central themes that emerge over and over again. The first is our inability to see what our partner is saying to us about our behavior and the second is that we may not be able to see what we are doing at all and instead see ourselves in an entirely different way than we actually are. Both are some form of blindness.

There can be many reasons why we are blind. First off we have natural defenses to feeling pain. We have endured experiences that wounded us. If anyone gets near that pain then our system will invent a way to make sure we don't get near it. Let's take the need to be right as an example of blindness. What is that? Why do we need be right at the expense of our relationship. The overwhelming statistic is that 80% of failed marriages are based on not accepting the influence of the other. Accepting the influence of the other means that we set aside our need to be right in order to listen to what our partner is saying to us. Listening and acknowledging does not mean agreement, but simply that we hear what is being said. Being right precludes listening, it is a defense. Against what we may ask? Well, if we need to be right so badly then we must be defending against what it means to us to be wrong. Being wrong means we are weak, stupid, even unlovable. So, how can we fathom being wrong when we think that it's a confirmation or our inadequacy. To that end we will die in the effort to not touch that wound.

So how in the world are supposed to find out how to accept our partners sense of what is happening, then understand who we are and apply that to a problem solving process that involves compassion, understanding, respect and empathy? Not so easy when we have those painful memories. It's the same with being good, proud, busy, distracted, compulsive or addicted. They all involve blindness. How do we then come out of this state of disconnection to see what it is that we cannot? It takes courage, perseverance, passion and determination. We must be willing to entertain what it is that our partner is trying to tell us. That also may include a competent therapist as an objective observer.

There are no easy answers to this very difficult state of being other than taking the first step. That step is to allow ourselves to take a leap of faith to acknowledge that we may have blind spots. That we need feedback from others so we can see more clearly. We need to trust those people who love us to tell us the truth, then we have to take it on the chin and learn something about ourselves. In the end it only creates more love. Seeing clearly is the most important skill we can learn as adults. To do that we must find out what it was that made us blind in the first place, then we can come to a better understanding and pull the curtain back. Opening up our mind to our past and how it affects our present provides an opportunity to be fully present. And what could be a better present than presence.

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Working with couples over the years there are two central themes that emerge over and over again. The first is our inability to see what our partner is saying to us about our behavior and the second is that we may not be able to see what we are doing at all and instead see ourselves in an entirely different way than we actually are. Both are some form of blindness.