Love is in the air, it is on the airwaves. We sing to it, write poetry, plays, films portray it endlessly. We crave love and we want so much to be loved for exactly who we are. It is in all of our DNA to want to be connected to someone or someone's. We want to look longingly in the eyes of our lover and have them look back with the same loving feeling. We expect it. But does life and romance really prepare us for the long haul of a marriage or long term relationship. Living every day with another person can be challenging.
What continues to amaze me is how often I show up in my relationship, but not in a good way always, my stuff comes up on a regular basis. Here we are in Hawaii and we are playing a game as people do to while away the hours and to do something together that involves interaction. We are after all here to do that. Yet, here I am getting all head up about the game. I want to win, yes crush my opponent, without hesitation. My wife looks at me with some incredulity and I immediately go on the alert. Something is going down here. What in the world am I doing trying to crush my opponent when we are on vacation? Such a "guy thing" I say to myself. But there is more.
I realize that I have a stake in winning because that would mean that I am in fact smart and more unconsciously that I am lovable. I don't know any of this right away but I know enough about myself to know what goes on and what I struggle with. I was the youngest child of a family of geniuses. My father, brother and mother were superior intellects and very very smart. I felt like the village idiot compared to them. Little did I know that I could hold my own. Even after earning a Ph.D., honors, publications and etc... The feelings remain like an emotional insult stamped into my psyche.
I realize that I am trying to work out this issue while playing the game and then I realize how I don't want to do that, I can't do that. I then make a shift to what is really important, having a good time and enjoying our time together. From that point on we are fine. My wife makes a joke later in the game that she holds me to a higher standard. I agree actually, I am a psychologist. If I can't make that shift then no one can.
Getting back to love, it is things like that, deeply held beliefs, our personal mythology that will get in the way of opening our heart and our soul to our lover. We can only really meet if we can be open and we can only be open if we know how to be loving, and what may be getting in the way.
The famous Socrates quote that an unexamined life is not worth living can be taken a step further to be an unexamined life cannot be loving.
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