Relationships are messy. There is always something to clean up. They function like a giant pinwheel of thoughts and feelings swirling around in a heady mixture of love and need. Daunting, to say the least. Even though we know the statistics for marital bliss, we still find ourselves in some primal dance compelling us to search out a proper mate. Throwing children into the mix makes life even more complex and challenging. But, do not fret, hope is on the way. Armed with a few essential skills you too can tackle the tricky process of navigating the straights and narrows leading us toward a positive inevitability. Being happy together is what we yearn for, but getting there is the rub. Here are few secrets to digest on your way.
Secret #1. Cool Off First.
It is absolutely essential that you do not try to solve a problem or conflict when you are upset. It’s not natural to hold in your anger but that’s exactly what’s necessary. In thirty years of doing therapy I have never witnessed a problem being solved when people are angry. This goes for me too by the way. If it doesn’t work in my house, you might as well throw in the towel.
Secret #2 Acknowledge First.
Once you have cooled off, which might take some time, then you are ready to talk. The secret to problem solving is to acknowledge what your partner has said first, then make your point. Hearing and understanding is the key to conflict resolution. Once we feel heard we are usually 90% over it. It helps immensely to bring in our partner’s ideas, thoughts and feelings into our own, so we can make agreements that are comfortable for both people.
Secret#3 Use the Royal “WE.”
Be sure to use the word “we” as often as possible, along with I want , need, prefer and would like to. We are too quick to point out what our partner is doing wrong and short on showing appreciation. Starting a discussion with something positive like “I know that you are a good person and you are trying your best to help but…” Being objective as opposed to subjectively feeling like the victim or victimizing helps to keep the process on track. Try to see the issue from their point of view before you put your point out there.
Secret#4 Get to Know Yourself and Choose Your Words Wisely.
Having some knowledge about who we are is critical to being a happy person. Being a happy person is the key to being happy together. If you know where your sensitive sore spots are or what makes you mad, happy or what you want, what your values are, what you believe in and what your direction in life is, makes everything run more smoothly. Relationships are as healthy as the people in them. To be a person who is worthy of being loved because you are kind, understanding, compassionate, respectful and empathic elicits a loving response. Being loved is in our hands. We can make it or break it. Watch what you say, words have power.
Secret#5 Carpe Diem.
There are times in every relationship where we can create a lot of love and good will. Like when our partner is sick or how we respond to birthdays, special events, anniversaries and other critical moments as they will either help or hinder our ability to be happy together. Love after all is a creation, we can make love or we can squelch it depending on whether we seize the moment. We so often miss those opportunities for connections and instead cause our partner to suffer needlessly. People tell me that they are just not that kind of person, like it is written in stone. We are who we want to be, we make the choices, we are driving our own life, so make good ones and send a card, make a call, and bring some breakfast to your ill spouse. You will get the love and care back in spades.
Obviously, there is more to this picture than five easy steps. These are some essentials that can tide you over until you make the big choice to be fully committed. Then and only then can you take the next step into the full adventure of intimate human experience.
Want more tips and advice on having happy relationship? Check out the Happy Together Website, featuring Bill's New Book HAPPY TOGETHER: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy
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