Lannie and Dave were out for breakfast one morning and suddenly wham! Without warning, their mood flipped from light hearted to anger in a split second. They were in a fight. He had picked up his cell phone and answered it. She went ballistic. Why? Because they had an agreement about no cell phones at meal time. They both had stressful jobs so meals were all about connecting.
Dave: What?
Lannie: We had an agreement and you broke it.
Dave: Geez, lighten up, big deal, I had to take the call.
Lannie: If you would keep your promises I wouldn’t have to be this way.
Dave: Hey, most of the time I do and the minute I don’t do it exactly, you have a fit.
Lannie: You're so unbelievably selfish.
Dave: You’re such a nag.
They went downhill from there. Can you guess as to what went wrong in this interchange? Basically everything. They were defensive, critical and stubbornly held on to their positions. Why would they do this at the expense of their relationship? Ah, the paradox? We want to have a good relationship but alas, the forces within will not permit it. Let me explain.
We live in a world within that in many ways was determined when we were very young. Usually the systems we build to cope early on are the culprit later on. In other words what saved us then is killing us now. How so? Well, we can’t see it but our system developed those skills because as children we could not bear the pain, so our psyche came in to help us out. Here it is. All children and that means 100% of all children respond the same way to the same conditions. If they felt too distant from their parents they will try to make up the difference by being perfect to bring them closer. Being perfect does not go unnoticed by the child who feels less than the perfect idealized self in his or her head. He therefore devalues his true self in favor of the self that he feels is more acceptable.
Often when couples fight their early traumas are colliding with each other except they don’t know it. It’s what I call the confluence of pain. When couples have no clue as to what is causing their argument they wind up in emotional cul-de-sacs that spiral round and round with no end in sight.
Cut to breakfast with Dave and Lanni and we see these issues rearing their ugly head in the form of how Dave couldn’t own up to what he had done and defended. Lanni for her part was miffed that he had not kept his promise but was not letting him off the hook. To have acknowledged her would be like confirming his worst fear, that he was inadequate. For her to let him off the hook would mean that she was giving in. Now we’re getting somewhere. Taking this idea forward to what a good fight might look like, we can use another scenario that would not include their deeper issues.
Lannie: We had a deal to not talk on the phone during mealtime.
Dave: You’re right, I’m sorry. I understand and agree that it is important to have this time together. It’s just that sometimes I get compulsive about the phone and can’t help myself.
Lannie: I can see that. How could I remind you without making you feel criticized?
Dave: Just tell me that you love me.
Lannie: You’ve got it, I love you.
End of story. In real life it’s more of a struggle but the bare bones are there. To fight well, we need to feel that at the end of it we are closer than we were before the fight. To clear up misunderstandings, affirm the other person and find solutions are the natural ingredients of good conflict resolution. That something has been cleared up, that some truths were exposed, that we know something more about the person or we have unburdened ourselves of something that was in the way are means to an end toward intimacy.
Good fights are like professional boxing, there are rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no yelling, taunting, name calling or swearing. These are the basics. Take the time to cool off, make sure you acknowledge the other person, define the problem, find out what each one of you can do to make it better and then push for production. This is what works. So, why can’t we do it? It’s because fighting is complicated. There are many layers and levels of pain and defenses that can easily be a part of the mix. That’s why we need to see anger as informative but not expressive. Anger tells us that something is hurting us or frustrating us. Is it old or new?
A good fight can lead to a stronger connection when we know what we are really fighting about and what is actually at the bottom of our disagreement. If we grew up in a critical environment we will naturally be more sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. If we feel like we are stupid because we were told we were and our partner makes us feel that way, defenses will immediately occur to protect us.
All good fights are fought fairly and after both people have cooled down and reflected about what was bothering them. This does not mean it won’t start out angrily. Anger is normal. It’s what we do with anger that matters most. It’s not what we say so much as how we say it. If we can deliver the message by taking the other person into consideration we will deliver the meaning differently than from our sense of entitlement to rage. After all they hurt us and they must pay. Not if you want a relationship.
Truth be told all good relationships begin with the one we have with ourselves. If we are self critical we will be critical of our mate. If we are self loathing we will end up loathing our mate. On it goes. Resolving our inner antagonism goes a long way toward building an outer harmony.
All good relationships whether internally or in the outside world operate the same way. Compassion, understanding, respect and empathy works and criticism, defensiveness, contempt and shutting down don’t. The struggle is to create a balance between what we need to do for ourselves to make us feel fulfilled and what we need from our loved ones to feel filled up. That we matter, that kindness counts, and if we are to be truly loving with our mate we must first be internally accepting. It’s self acceptance that creates a place for love to come in and go out. The more we are able to release ourselves from what binds us, the more we listen to the feelings, needs and concerns of our mate, the more we will be truly happy together.
Some tips:
- Adjust our expectations to fit with reality. If it’s not working it’s probably not realistic.
- Be true to your word. Keeping promises makes your life work better.
- Everyone counts including you. Everyone matters.
- Never repress or express anger. Take time to look deeper.
- Never assume. Always check them out.
- Almost nothing is personal.
- Listening is key.
- Acknowledge first, then make your point.
- Don’t hide your feelings, put them on the table, but with compassion.
- Ambivalence and alienation are normal. Talking about it makes it go away.
We all want good relationships but find them to be at times difficult, vexing and unnerving. Yet, we crave closeness and love. In the struggle to find it and maintain it we inevitably become better people and ultimately learn more about ourselves. In the end it is better to get it out then hold it in, what we don’t say is held within and creates distance between couples. So, armed with a healthy process we have the opportunity to create a new intimacy with every fight. Fight on.
For more insight on creating and maintaining a happy relationship, check out Dr. Bil's new book:
Happy Together: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy
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