The idea of “happiness,” like the concept of “love,” turns up all over the place in literature, in media of all shapes and sizes, even in scripture. It’s as elusive as it is ubiquitous; it seems impossible to pin down exactly what it is to be happy, and yet we know it unmistakably when we are. And if we look closely, some patterns emerge. Skiing down a slope after the first snow, looking into a lover’s eyes after a night of lovemaking, inventing something that will help others, completing a task that has been long and hard—in all these moments, we know we are part of something that engages our deepest being, in harmony with others, with our environment, and with ourselves.
We also know that we can’t sustain happiness by effort; it is capricious and sensitive and by definition exists moment to moment. We don’t get there by trying to. In a sense, we don’t get there at all: as the journalist Sydney Harris wisely observed, “Happiness is a direction, not a place.” Eleanor Roosevelt put it another way: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” We stumble upon it, or it steals up on us, while we’re doing other things—such as the work of creating and sustaining love.
In my work with couples, I have found that love and happiness are one and the same when we feel deeply understood and accepted by the ones we love. This does not mean that our partners are somehow responsible for making us happy; just the opposite. Before we can be happy together, we need to be happy within ourselves. My colleague and friend Lisa Cypers Kamen, who is a happiness expert, likes to say that happiness is an inside job, and so, we will see, is love.
Conscious Connection
Susan Johnson writes in her book The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection that adult love is “an emotional tie with an irreplaceable other who provides a secure base from which to confront the world and a safe haven, a source of comfort, care, and protection.” Building that bond is a complex task—though, ironically, the trick is to do the work it takes to make it simple. It asks us to come to a deep understanding of who we are and who we are with—to look not just at each other but within ourselves to see the true source of our differences, our longings, and our gifts to each other. In doing this, we’re not only building a connection with our own inner life but also communicating this knowledge to those we love, which inevitably leads us toward a deeper and more lasting connection.
An important facet of long-term relationships is the commitment couples make to maintain that connection with each other. Part of what it means to love another person is to accept that we are intimately bound to each other, not only because we have a basic need to be loved and feel connected, but because we have made a commitment to persevere. The deeper our commitment, the greater the likelihood that love will remain alive and vital. Lasting love is made from the concerted effort of two people crafting their own unique relationship from the sweat and toil of daily life and from all the difficulties, conflicts, and hardships that arise in sharing a life together.
Being truly happy together is no simple matter. It requires that we be free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, depression and emotional blocks. Can we love in a state of terror or sadness? Can we be happy if we are in conflict with our mate? The obvious answer is “no.” To love is to free ourselves, to know something of ourselves, to experience true acceptance—not so easy to produce on demand.
To make love that lasts, we must forge a high-energy emotional bond with the strength to withstand the inevitable storms, then cultivate methods to keep it strong. Knowing how to reprocess a lost connection is an essential skill for keeping love alive. Creating and maintaining an enduring connection takes energy and focus, but the miracle is that love can last and become even more satisfying over time.
Equally essential is the ability to form strong attachments in the first place, since from them we build relationships that are safe and secure. Safety and security are the cornerstones of lasting love; they allow us to open up about our secrets, our feelings, and our fears. In a safe and secure relationship, we can find the space to know ourselves and each other in the way that lasting love requires.
For more information on happiness check out my book website at www.happytogetherbook.com
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