The old Bob Dylan song goes something like "I was so much older then, I am younger than that now." I guess that dates me a bit, but there is a kernel of truth in Bob's timeless lyric. I think what he meant was that when we are young we are so sure of what we believe in and we are so wise in our own mind. But as we mature, we discover that our sense of truth doesn't hold up to ambiguity, nuance and shades of grey. We become less sure of what seemed to be so true at one time. This not knowing makes us feel not as old as we once felt. As a society we are enamored with knowing. From pundits to know-it-alls, we admire those people who seem to have a handle on what appears to be the truth. In relationships knowing just gets in the way.
When we know something, when we believe we are right, we are walled off. Openness comes from not knowing, being available to new ideas, especially from our partner. Openness to their truth creates a relationship that is a living thing, and entity that is constantly changing. The most unreachable people I have met in life are the ones who are so sure they know what they are thinking. There is simply no way in. Ignorance is bliss in relationships, because it allows us to take in the thinking of our partner, because we are looking for the truth. Knowing is the end of the search.
This does not mean that we must abandon all knowledge, especially when we can use it to gain more knowledge. It is the attitude of knowing, the closed thinking that creates the blocks to loving. Knowing that we need to be open is knowing something important. So how do we distinguish between knowing something and remaining open? Interestingly, they are not really at odds with each other. What we need to know is how to suspend knowing so we can let the other person influence us. Letting someone's impressions, perceptions and intuitive responses come out and be seen and understood allows us to take a step back so we can look and understand.
I remember a couple who came to me for therapy and the husband was a very well educated man and his wife was not as well trained. His attitude was clear, she was inferior to him. He was the one who knew and she was the one with the problem. She would say to him, "you are always so sure you know what is right and wrong and you are so perfect, but that makes me the one with the problem." He was so sure he knew better and saw her frustration as evidence of her rage and depression. In his universe her feelings were were entirely unfounded. He didn't believe for a second that she had a point of view that was reasonable or valid. Trying to get through to him was like talking to a wall. Underneath his knowing, righteous and superior position was a very scared and angry child who didn't believe he could be loved. His only method of keeping his wife from leaving him was to tear her down so she couldn't leave. This process was killing who they were.
Suspending what we know long enough to listen and let go of our truth allows us to stand as equals. When we are sharing our inner experience with one another in an atmosphere of acceptance it creates a shared knowledge that is far more powerful than our personal knowing. It is with this kind of caring that we can let go and see what is true. The truth will set us free as long as we know that it comes from both people looking together into the complexity of their own experience.
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