Let’s face it, internet dating is a bit dicey. Sure it’s the new town hall and it certainly is a place to meet eligible people. But as we pour over the myriad of glowing profiles in our quest to find a suitable person, we soon find these sometimes aggravating patterns. One more profile that touts long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners and I am ready to lose my lunch. What really irks me about online dating is the creep factor. It’s a perfect place for guys to prey on lonely women by saying they want a committed relationship but really just want to hook up and move on. Truth be told, we just don’t really know who we are really getting online because it's a great venue for making stuff up about ourselves and we can still be anonymous. It doesn’t mean we should not try to find someone online, we just have to be careful.
So, how can we sift through all the false information to find the true right person for us? There are some simple rules we can follow to tilt the odds a bit in our favor. First off, don’t believe anything you read, seeing is believing. It's common practice as we all know to lie about our age, fluff up or finer qualities and make like we are the living embodiment of the American dream. Of course we all want to put our best foot forward, but buyer beware, there may be more to the picture than meets the eye.
Some actual ways of knowing someone has everything to do with where they’ve been. Some things to think about might be where and who do they come from? What is their education, career, goals in life? Who do they most respect? What are the events that have shaped them? What are they like when they are angry? Do they talk negatively about their previous relationships?
Ultimately, none of these factors can compare to who someone really is in the clinches. Conflict resolution, negativity and defenses are the make or break issues over the long haul. We can meet the most fetching or handsome person and the two of you can have everything in common, but if you get into it with them and they go for the jugular, you won’t be with them or you won’t be you if you do. So, really it’s all about whether they can handle a good fight constructively and what their general outlook on life is.
One thing we don't usually read about in a profile is whether they are self critical, depressed, anxious or bipolar. Our relationship with ourselves is the template for how we are with others and it can be well hidden online. If we hate ourselves how in the world are we not going to hate who we are with? If our mother or father were a nightmare and we haven’t come to terms with it, there is going to be hell to pay down the road. Do they have they ability to hang in there when times are tough, will they be there for you when you need them? No matter how a relationship begins it’s what we make it into that really counts.
So, what have we learned from all this meandering here? Relationships are complicated. It takes time for all the personal stuff to rise to the surface. We need to see how they will be during difficult times and how they resolve issues inside and out, or put another way, from within and between. There are certainly many aspects of a person that will make them known to us over time. Time is the key factor for the internet set. Trust is earned, respect is created from who we are and love is an activity. For all these factors to be present in a love relationship we have to be patient.
So, when you are reading the profiles, it is a good to remember that this is someone’s fantasy about themselves and who they truly want to be, but we do need to know where the rubber meets the road. Are they really that way or is it just a shtick that they think will lure us into believing that they really can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Who may actually show up may be quite different than their publicity page or what we refer to as their profile. Not that there are not many people who are totally being true to themselves but we never really know if that dog can hunt.
Here are some tips to good dating.
- Can they show up on time?
- Are they respectful?
- Do they have a decent sense of humor?
- Are they willing to talk about themselves in ways that are not flattering?
- Do they have good relationships, friends, family?
- Do their ex-wives or husbands like them and are they speaking to their children?
- How do they define themselves, in true terms?
- Are they educated or employed?
- How negative or defensive do they seem?
- Are the plants in their home still alive?
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