Dr. Bill's Blog: Insight on maintaining healthy relationships and living a more fulfilled life

Happiness is An Inside Job

The idea of “happiness,” like the concept of “love,” turns up all over the place in literature, in media of all shapes and sizes, even in scripture. It’s as elusive as it is ubiquitous; it seems impossible to pin down exactly what it is to be happy, and yet we know it unmistakably when we are. And if we look closely, some patterns emerge. Skiing down a slope after the first snow, looking into a lover’s eyes after a night of lovemaking, inventing something that will help others, completing a task that has been long and hard—in all these moments, we know we are part of something that engages our deepest being, in harmony with others, with our environment, and with ourselves.

We also know that we can’t sustain happiness by effort; it is capricious and sensitive and by definition exists moment to moment. We don’t get there by trying to. In a sense, we don’t get there at all: as the journalist Sydney Harris wisely observed, “Happiness is a direction, not a place.” Eleanor Roosevelt put it another way: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” We stumble upon it, or it steals up on us, while we’re doing other things—such as the work of creating and sustaining love.

In my work with couples, I have found that love and happiness are one and the same when we feel deeply understood and accepted by the ones we love. This does not mean that our partners are somehow responsible for making us happy; just the opposite. Before we can be happy together, we need to be happy within ourselves. My colleague and friend Lisa Cypers Kamen, who is a happiness expert, likes to say that happiness is an inside job, and so, we will see, is love.

Conscious Connection

Susan Johnson writes in her book The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection that adult love is “an emotional tie with an irreplaceable other who provides a secure base from which to confront the world and a safe haven, a source of comfort, care, and protection.” Building that bond is a complex task—though, ironically, the trick is to do the work it takes to make it simple. It asks us to come to a deep understanding of who we are and who we are with—to look not just at each other but within ourselves to see the true source of our differences, our longings, and our gifts to each other. In doing this, we’re not only building a connection with our own inner life but also communicating this knowledge to those we love, which inevitably leads us toward a deeper and more lasting connection.

An important facet of long-term relationships is the commitment couples make to maintain that connection with each other. Part of what it means to love another person is to accept that we are intimately bound to each other, not only because we have a basic need to be loved and feel connected, but because we have made a commitment to persevere. The deeper our commitment, the greater the likelihood that love will remain alive and vital. Lasting love is made from the concerted effort of two people crafting their own unique relationship from the sweat and toil of daily life and from all the difficulties, conflicts, and hardships that arise in sharing a life together.

Being truly happy together is no simple matter. It requires that we be free from guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, depression and emotional blocks. Can we love in a state of terror or sadness? Can we be happy if we are in conflict with our mate? The obvious answer is “no.” To love is to free ourselves, to know something of ourselves, to experience true acceptance—not so easy to produce on demand.

To make love that lasts, we must forge a high-energy emotional bond with the strength to withstand the inevitable storms, then cultivate methods to keep it strong. Knowing how to reprocess a lost connection is an essential skill for keeping love alive. Creating and maintaining an enduring connection takes energy and focus, but the miracle is that love can last and become even more satisfying over time.

Equally essential is the ability to form strong attachments in the first place, since from them we build relationships that are safe and secure. Safety and security are the cornerstones of lasting love; they allow us to open up about our secrets, our feelings, and our fears. In a safe and secure relationship, we can find the space to know ourselves and each other in the way that lasting love requires.

For more information on happiness check out my book website at www.happytogetherbook.com

How Valentine's Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

How Valentines Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

Candlelit dinners replete with a fine bottle of wine, diamonds, roses or imported chocolates. NOTE TO MEN: If you haven't planned or purchased something from this list, you're more than likely going to have a horrifying night (and you won’t get lucky either) this Feb. 14th.  Why? Because unrealistic expectations are not just about women, but men too. We all fall into the Valentine’s Day trap and beyond. The problem with romantic fantasy is that it starts long before our first big Valentine's purchase or even before our first kiss.  We've been hearing the “happily-ever-after” fairy tales since we were in kindergarten and we've grown up with a steady diet of the diamonds-are-forever commercials.

The commercialization of Valentine’s Day has given rise to great expectations and just as often great disappointments if the gift giving is not enough to meet our romantic fantasy. These expectations have evolved over time and with the help of jewelers and car makers have encapsulated our longings to be loved with an equally open wallet. This profligate giving of expensive tokens has become the opportunistic statement of our enduring emotional wishes. We all want someone to think we’re special, that we can’t live without them! What better means of satiating our need to be loved than coughing up a diamond or two. The problem is that we may not have the means to meet the need. 

So it is with Valentine’s Day. As our expectations soar with the coming of this much ballyhooed holiday, we can make out the problems that may come with it. It is not that gift giving is bad or that we should not give them but if we are making a connection between the size and cost of the gift with the quality of our love we are creating an expectation that can cause a deep emotional rift in what may be an otherwise healthy relationship. 

Ted Huston, a professor at the University of Texas developed a project in 1979 that followed 168 married couples for fourteen years to see what factors were present in successful long term marriages. He found that couples who entered their relationship with high expectations were far more likely to experience conflict and disenchantment. 

Huston found that even though there is a change from courtship to marriage in the adage that “all finance’s love football” it will not ultimately ruin our relationship. He concludes that the greatest harbinger of hope for couples is of all things friendship. It appears that those couples who managed to keep their expectations realistic and concentrated more on the way they interacted with each other proved to be a winner over the long haul. 

When we think about friendship with our lover what immediately springs to mind is: what’s friendship go to do with romance? Long term love is sustained not by romance alone but by the daily activities of following through on promises, showing up, being there when we are needed, owning up to our responsibility for our part in an argument, and first and foremost by being the kind of person who is worthy of being loved. 

So we ask ourselves how in the world can I be best friends without losing the romance? Not so easy. To do that we need to find out what makes romance and what breaks it. The critical piece that ruins relationships is the inability to resolve conflicts. Here’s where it gets tricky. When conflict arises what do we traditionally do? Usually we get defensive. The best offense is the best defense. Of course if we expect our mate to be romantic and it does not happen we find ourselves complaining and then the defenses come out like July 4^th. The key is to express our disappointments in a way that doesn’t feel critical to our mate. Conflict is normal but our ability to resolve difficulties without alienating our partner is the key to long term romance. Here are just of few our my favorite defenses to avoid. 

Globalization--"Everybody Does That"
Blame-Shifting--"And you do the same thing but worse."
The Victim--"I'm so good to you, and you treat me so badly."
Gas-lighting--"I was just kidding; Can't you take a joke?"
Entitlement--"You are the one who made me angry; You deserve it.
Denial--"I'm not angry."
Displacement--"Just because you had a bad day at work, don't take it out on me."
Guilt--"I work my ass off to give you everything and you can't even make me some tea."
Shame/Blame: "You are a human slug; you never do anything."
Stonewalling: "This is the way I am, take it or leave it."
Projection: "You think I'm stupid, don't you?"
Devaluation: "You really could lose some of that extra weight." 

If we can avoid these toxic defenses we are most of the way there. We have also found that the most common reason for alienating our partner is the inability to be influenced or just plain old not listening. If our mate tells us that Valentine’s Day is really important and that flowers say it all to them about being loved and we can’t find the momentum to pony up a few buds then we have not been listening. 

The next big thing we need to know for Valentine’s Day is showing appreciation. Valentine’s Day is a great occasion to thank our partner for all the good things they do throughout the year that we really do appreciate. Bringing home the bacon, cooking dinners, being a good friend and taking care of business are all great attributes to acknowledge to our partner. It also doesn’t cost a whole lot to write it all down in a card. 

How is it then that we can tell the difference between realistic expectations and what we have come to believe is our romantic due? Central to our Valentine wishes is the reality of what it takes to make it work. Making sweet music is only a part of the equation. Love over time is something we create, we make it from whole cloth, we fashion it from what we find in ourselves and within one another. If we can pay attention, be a safe and secure person to be with, be willing to find a compromise when needed and being a caring mate will get us where we want to go. It is the common touch, the helping hand, being reasonable, fair, open and emotionally connected that are the ingredients of true romance. When I speak to women about love, what they say is not so much hearts and flowers as it is about someone they can depend on. A good sense of humor and a positive attitude more often than not will trump romantic ideals.

When we add it all up it is not so much the loot we come up with but how we treat one another that will ultimately save our relationship. Respect cannot be bought, and it’s the same with friendship. Our ability to be kind, empathic, compassionate and tender will determine the strength and durability of our relationship over time. Relationship success is inevitably linked to our knowledge of what we truly need from one another and for having made peace with our own fantasy expectations.

These basics of love and relationship are fundamental to a lasting intimacy and knowing the fundamentals is a critical component for all great teamwork. Relationships are all about being a good team player. By being there for each other, for tenderness and warmth, we provide lasting proof of our commitment to making it work. Interestingly enough Ted Huston found that men who exhibited what were termed “feminine” traits were more often successful in their marriages. It appears that positive behaviors like nurturing, tenderness and caring actually do work.

I remember early on in my marriage my wife gave me a very generous Valentines Day gift. After expression my displeasure at the over-the-top nature of the gift she said to me “but I want to make you happy.” What I said to her in response made her stop in her tracks. I said “It’s not your job to make me happy, that’s my job.” She was stunned and relieved at the same time. Feeling like we must make our mate happy is a tremendous weight to carry and many a Valentine is based on that premise. Valentine’s Day is a celebration not a responsibility. If we can carry that in our hearts and make each day a special Valentine by being the kind of person we are proud of, we are doing the every day Valentine’s Day work that makes love last. 

Enduring love does not solely lie in gift giving or in the lovey-dovey  cooing and oogling of lovers. Love is the exhaust from the small things of every day life. Being there at times when we are needed, showing appreciation and helping out more often carry the day. So much for great expectations. To that end a rose in your teeth, a song in your heart and breakfast in bed are not a bad start. 

www.happytogetherbook.com 

Virtual Dating

Let’s face it, internet dating is a bit dicey. Sure it’s the new town hall and it certainly is a place to meet eligible people. But as we pour over the myriad of glowing profiles in our quest to find a suitable person, we soon find these sometimes aggravating patterns. One more profile that touts long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners and I am ready to lose my lunch. What really irks me about online dating is the creep factor. It’s a perfect place for guys to prey on lonely women by saying they want a committed relationship but really just want to hook up and move on. Truth be told, we just don’t really know who we are really getting online because it's a great venue for making stuff up about ourselves and we can still be anonymous. It doesn’t mean we should not try to find someone online, we just have to be careful.

So, how can we sift through all the false information to find the true right person for us? There are some simple rules we can follow to tilt the odds a bit in our favor. First off, don’t believe anything you read, seeing is believing. It's common practice as we all know to lie about our age, fluff up or finer qualities and make like we are the living embodiment of the American dream. Of course we all want to put our best foot forward, but buyer beware, there may be more to the picture than meets the eye.

Some actual ways of knowing someone has everything to do with where they’ve been. Some things to think about might be where and who do they come from? What is their education, career, goals in life? Who do they most respect? What are the events that have shaped them? What are they like when they are angry? Do they talk negatively about their previous relationships?  

Ultimately, none of these factors can compare to who someone really is in the clinches. Conflict resolution, negativity and defenses are the make or break issues over the long haul. We can meet the most fetching or handsome person and the two of you can have everything in common, but if you get into it with them and they go for the jugular, you won’t be with them or you won’t be you if you do. So, really it’s all about whether they can handle a good fight constructively and what their general outlook on life is.

One thing we don't usually read about in a profile is whether they are self critical, depressed, anxious or bipolar. Our relationship with ourselves is the template for how we are with others and it can be well hidden online. If we hate ourselves how in the world are we not going to hate who we are with? If our mother or father were a nightmare and we haven’t come to terms with it, there is going to be hell to pay down the road. Do they have they ability to hang in there when times are tough, will they be there for you when you need them? No matter how a relationship begins it’s what we make it into that really counts.

So, what have we learned from all this meandering here? Relationships are complicated. It takes time for all the personal stuff to rise to the surface. We need to see how they will be during difficult times and how they resolve issues inside and out, or put another way, from within and between. There are certainly many aspects of a person that will make them known to us over time. Time is the key factor for the internet set. Trust is earned, respect is created from who we are and love is an activity. For all these factors to be present in a love relationship we have to be patient.

So, when you are reading the profiles, it is a good to remember that this is someone’s fantasy about themselves and who they truly want to be, but we do need to know where the rubber meets the road. Are they really that way or is it just a shtick that they think will lure us into believing that they really can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Who may actually show up may be quite different than their publicity page or what we refer to as their profile. Not that there are not many people who are totally being true to themselves but we never really know if that dog can hunt.

Here are some tips to good dating.

1. Can they show up on time?
2. Are they respectful?
3. Do they have a decent sense of humor?
4. Are they willing to talk about themselves in ways that are not flattering?
5. Do they have good relationships, friends, family?
6. Do their ex-wives or husbands like them and are they speaking to their children?
7. How do they define themselves, in true terms?
8. Are they educated or employed?
9. How negative or defensive do they seem?
10. Are the plants in their home still alive?

How A Good Fight Can Save Your Relationship

Lannie and Dave were out for breakfast one morning and suddenly wham! Without warning, their mood flipped from light hearted to anger in a split second. They were in a fight. He had picked up his cell phone and answered it. She went ballistic. Why? Because they had an agreement about no cell phones at meal time.  They both had stressful jobs so meals were all about connecting.

Dave: What?

Lannie: We had an agreement and you broke it.

Dave: Geez, lighten up, big deal, I had to take the call.  

Lannie: If you would keep your promises I wouldn’t have to be this way.

Dave: Hey, most of the time I do and the minute I don’t do it exactly, you have a fit.

Lannie: You're so unbelievably selfish.

Dave: You’re such a nag.

They went downhill from there. Can you guess as to what went wrong in this interchange? Basically everything. They were defensive, critical and stubbornly held on to their positions. Why would they do this at the expense of their relationship? Ah, the paradox? We want to have a good relationship but alas, the forces within will not permit it. Let me explain.

We live in a world within that in many ways was determined when we were very young. Usually the systems we build to cope early on are the culprit later on. In other words what saved us then is killing us now. How so? Well, we can’t see it but our system developed those skills because as children we could not bear the pain, so our psyche came in to help us out. Here it is. All children and that means 100% of all children respond the same way to the same conditions. If they felt too distant from their parents they will try to make up the difference by being perfect to bring them closer. Being perfect does not go unnoticed by the child who feels less than the perfect idealized self in his or her head. He therefore devalues his true self in favor of the self that he feels is more acceptable.

Often when couples fight their early traumas are colliding with each other except they don’t know it. It’s what I call the confluence of pain. When couples have no clue as to what is causing their argument they wind up in emotional cul-de-sacs that spiral round and round with no end in sight.

Cut to breakfast with Dave and Lanni and we see these issues rearing their ugly head in the form of how Dave couldn’t own up to what he had done and defended. Lanni for her part was miffed that he had not kept his promise but was not letting him off the hook. To have acknowledged her would be like confirming his worst fear, that he was inadequate. For her to let him off the hook would mean that she was giving in. Now we’re getting somewhere. Taking this idea forward to what a good fight might look like, we can use another scenario that would not include their deeper issues.

Lannie: We had a deal to not talk on the phone during mealtime.

Dave: You’re right, I’m sorry. I understand and agree that it is important to have this time together. It’s just that sometimes I get compulsive about the phone and can’t help myself.

Lannie: I can see that. How could I remind you without making you feel criticized?

Dave: Just tell me that you love me.

Lannie: You’ve got it, I love you.

End of story. In real life it’s more of a struggle but the bare bones are there. To fight well, we need to feel that at the end of it we are closer than we were before the fight. To clear up misunderstandings, affirm the other person and find solutions are the natural ingredients of good conflict resolution. That something has been cleared up, that some truths were exposed, that we know something more about the person or we have unburdened ourselves of something that was in the way are means to an end toward intimacy.  

Good fights are like professional boxing, there are rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no yelling, taunting, name calling or swearing. These are the basics. Take the time to cool off, make sure you acknowledge the other person, define the problem, find out what each one of you can do to make it better and then push for production. This is what works. So, why can’t we do it? It’s because fighting is complicated. There are many layers and levels of pain and defenses that can easily be a part of the mix. That’s why we need to see anger as informative but not expressive. Anger tells us that something is hurting us or frustrating us. Is it old or new?

A good fight can lead to a stronger connection when we know what we are really fighting about and what is actually at the bottom of our disagreement. If we grew up in a critical environment we will naturally be more sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. If we feel like we are stupid because we were told we were and our partner makes us feel that way, defenses will immediately occur to protect us.

All good fights are fought fairly and after both people have cooled down and reflected about what was bothering them. This does not mean it won’t start out angrily. Anger is normal. It’s what we do with  anger that matters most. It’s not what we say so much as how we say it. If we can deliver the message by taking the other person into consideration we will deliver the meaning differently than from our sense of entitlement to rage. After all they hurt us and they must pay. Not if you want a relationship.

Truth be told all good relationships begin with the one we have with ourselves. If we are self critical we will be critical of our mate. If we are self loathing we will end up loathing our mate. On it goes. Resolving our inner antagonism goes a long way toward building an outer harmony.  

All good relationships whether internally or in the outside world operate the same way. Compassion, understanding, respect and empathy works and criticism, defensiveness, contempt and shutting down don’t. The struggle is to create a balance between what we need to do for ourselves to make us feel fulfilled and what we need from our loved ones to feel filled up. That we matter, that kindness counts, and if we are to be truly loving with our mate we must first be internally accepting. It’s self acceptance that creates a place for love to come in and go out. The more we are able to release ourselves from what binds us, the more we listen to the feelings, needs and concerns of our mate, the more we will be truly happy together.  

Some tips:

• Adjust our expectations to fit with reality. If it’s not working it’s probably not realistic.
• Be true to your word. Keeping promises makes your life work better.
• Everyone counts including you. Everyone matters.
• Never repress or express anger. Take time to look deeper.
• Never assume. Always check them out.
• Almost nothing is personal.
• Listening is key.
• Acknowledge first, then make your point.
• Don’t hide your feelings, put them on the table, but with compassion.
• Ambivalence and alienation are normal. Talking about it makes it go away.

We all want good relationships but find them to be at times difficult, vexing and unnerving. Yet, we crave closeness and love. In the struggle to find it and maintain it we inevitably become better people and ultimately learn more about ourselves. In the end it is better to get it out then hold it in, what we don’t say is held within and creates distance between couples. So, armed with a healthy process we have the opportunity to create a new intimacy with every fight. Fight on. 

For more insight on creating and maintaining a happy relationship, check out Dr. Bil's new book:
Happy Together: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy

 

What Is Intimacy?

There are two major components to feeling intimate. First there
is intimacy with ourselves: the personal intimacy that comes from
being  familiar  with  our  own  inner  truths,  our  dreams,  beliefs,
feelings, thoughts, wishes, and desires. Second, there is intimacy
with our partner: the connection we cultivate when we bring this
personal  process  into  our  primary  relationship. This model  for
relationship  intimacy  includes  emotional  availability,  empathy,
care-taking, tender responsiveness, and bearing ambivalence during
difficult times. How we are with ourselves and how we relate to our
partner is a critical part of the dance between our inner and outer
worlds, an interplay that can either enhance or inhibit our capacity
to be happy together.

Intimate activity can take many forms, from giving each other
the freedom to explore individual interests to developing mutual
values, hopes, and dreams. Intimacy that is created from an open
dialogue about our inner and outer worlds ultimately teaches us
about ourselves and who we are as people. As we develop a language
for our relationship by expressing our feelings and thoughts, we
meld our two separate worlds into one whole.

A loving relationship arises from attending to our own thoughts
and feelings and to those of our partner. From this process we
produce shared values, beliefs, feelings, and interests. To reveal our
true self in the presence of another in this way, if done with care,
can be enlivening, enlightening, and joyful. What could be more
satisfying than understanding with greater compassion because we
know someone better? But to achieve this kind of contentment both
in our relationship and within ourselves involves an evolution of
understanding. It is a process, not a short-term goal. We hear the
adage that it’s not the destination that counts, but the journey. There
is no point where we have “arrived,” but a real sense of moving up a very long stream. Harmony comes from shining insight into places along the way, and with that light removing obstructions
block our ability to love deeply and intimately.

Creating intimacy is a lot like building a house. We start with a solid
foundation of truth, acceptance, and reality; we lay out the rooms
of our desires, fantasies, wants, and needs; we frame the windows to
our soul, wire in our emotional connections, add the hardware of
values, joy, and sexuality, and join them all together to create a home.
The raw materials for our building are drawn from a dialogue about
what we want, need, and value about ourselves and our mate.

The dialogue of intimacy, as we’ve seen, is about knowing who
we are and what we want from life together and making agreements
based  on  realistic  expectations  and  shared  values.  

The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy
and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.
— Carolyn Heilbrun

The Number One Relationship Skill

I am frequently asked about what it takes to make a relationship work over the long haul of life. What I respond with is this: We all do well in good times, when love is in bloom and we feel that wonderful loving feeling. The kicker is when we are in conflict with our mate. Conflict is natural and cannot be avoided. If we try, it only gets worse, as anger will find its way out and it might not be pretty. Passive aggression is one of the favorite haunts of denial. Passive aggression is doing something like being late or not doing something we promised to do, all in the name of making our mate act out our angry feelings. Enough said.

The most important relationship skill is problem solving or conflict resolution. The fundamental relationship skill is the ability to step back and take a long look at ourselves. If someone cannot look at their part in a conflict, it will not be resolved and will then will fester and create distance. From my work with couples time and time again the thing that kills the relationship is that one or the other will not own up or take responsibility for their part in the problem. This means that one person is always right and the other must be wrong. No relationship can stand that kind of battering.

Taking the time to get to know our faults and foibles will make a big difference in whether we can sustain that loving feeling. The best method for managing our sense of ourselves is to be a good listener. Inter-reflection, which is the the ability to see ourselves through the eyes of our mate is the critical process for self reflection. Then acknowledging what it is that we are doing to help create the current conflict is the process by which we resolve them.

To err is human, to admit it takes courage. Men especially feel that to be wrong is a sign of weakness and in that sense it is an exposure of our inadequacy. The ability to know how we feel about ourselves and our personal mythology is the most important single factor in long term love.

Go ahead, take the plunge, you will most likely be loved for it, and you will find out that your worst fears will only be shadows on the wall and not true at all.

What is Love and Happiness all about?

Last night on Facebook I asked the question about what makes and maintains love and happiness? There were many different ideas that came out of the dialogue with people, from giving birth to transcendent experiences. It came down to making connections, living intensely and finding oneself through activity. Yet these ideas are seemingly not the whole story.

Leo Tolstoy said that everything he knew was because he loved. Elenaor Roosevelt said that happiness was the by-product of activity. The Dalai Lama said that it was about being compassionate toward others and ourselves. We know so much about who we are when we love deeply, if we care to listen. Love and happiness do go together. If we feel loved, we are happier than if we don't. Does love make us happy all the time? I think we know the answer to that question. Nothing makes us happy all the time. If we get a new car, we are happy for a period of time and then it's just a car. If we fall in love we are happy for some period of time and then we find ourselves back in the same mood and feeling that we have always had. So what does it? What makes us happy and what causes us to love someone for our whole lives? Clearly, not an easy question to answer.

From being married for almost 20 years I have learned a few things about what makes our relationship happy and how to maintain that loving feeling. As I believe I am fundamentally like everyone else I feel free to use my own experience as a model for couples who are trying to make it. Being a therapist does not make me immune to the everyday difficulties of life and loving my wife.

I know that there are certain absolutes in relationships that must be met if a relationship is to survive. We have to find our mate attractive, intelligent enough and feel that they are basically a good person if we want to feel happy and trusting toward them. Trust is essential because we need to feel we can talk to our partner without criticism, judgment or anger. We also fundamentally need to know that our mate can stop, take a look at themselves and if necessary, even apologize. If our partner will not look at themselves, and will not take responsibility for their part in a problem, intimacy, love and happiness will not survive. No one wants to feel like every problem is always their fault. We also need a decent sense of humor, some ability to laugh at ourselves, and see the humor in situations. Humor is a function of and a response to love and happiness.

Love over a period of time occurs as a response to our loving connection with our partner. We can do this in several ways. If we practice compassion, understanding, respect and empathy, or when we solve a problem together, when we see something in the same way, or by doing something together that is mutually enjoyable. Love and happiness is also about feeling like our partner is on our side, that they have our back, and there when it counts. If they listen and will take the time to do those things that are important to us it makes us love them even more. Many small things go into daily loving. 

Love and happiness also are dependent on our relationship to ourselves. If we are self-critical we will criticize our partner, if we are depressed we will have a depressed relationship, and if we are afraid we will not allow ourselves to be known we lose our precious sense of intimacy.  

Love and happiness are active processes, and creating love is a daily activity. We make love happen with loving kindness, caring about what they think, making time for our relationship, doing things together, and making our relationship our highest priority. All these activities create love and happiness, and there are more if you think about your personal wants and needs.

Lastly, when there are children we should understand that the family is the relationship and children are additional members of our family. Keep the family strong and the rest will take care of itself.

Don't forget that a cuddle a day takes the pain away.

Five Steps to Solve Couple Conflicts

All couples fight. Everyone gets angry. So, it's not so much that we all feel this way but how we express it that counts. We hear people say to each other, "it's not what you said but how you said it." Well therein lies the challenge.

The five steps to couple conflict solutions are a good guide that couples can use to help diffuse angry feelings but also to solve continual problems.This process does not fit every situation because some issues are much deeper and require more introspection to resolve them but for many problems this step by step process works well.

Step 1. De-escalate. When a conflict erupts and our response is to be angry, annoyed or hurt. The first step is to back off, cool down and think about what it is that has made you feel this way. What were they thinking when they did that? What is it that you want, need and feel? When you feel calmer and have thought about the best way to say this to your mate, then ask for a time to talk.

Step 2. Acknowledgment. When I do couple work, what I see most often with couples who are having trouble, is that they don't listen to each other. So, I encourage each person to acknowledge one another after they have had a chance to say what it is that they feel (hopefully as considerately as possible and not too long winded) then the other person should Acknowledge what they have said, not repeat it word for word but summarize the most important elements in a way that lets the person know that you truly do understand what they are trying to convey. Try to not defend, criticize, yell, put down or swear at your partner during either the listening or the talking phase of the discussion. This can go back and forth until each person is satisfied that they feel heard. Often this is where it stops because being understood is so important.

Step 3. Define the Problem. Once each person feels understood and has made an effort to voice their concerns, values, needs and wants then they are ready to make a resolution statement. Something like "When you ignore me, I turn up the volume to be heard, then you get angry with me for yelling." When you agree on what the problem is then you are ready to go on the next step.

Step 4. What Can Each of Us Do in the Future to Make it Better? Each person at this point makes a statement about about what they will do next time. "I promise to listen and acknowledge you so you won't have to yell at me to be heard." By placing your concerns in a future context it feels positive rather than blaming and critical

Step 5. The last step is to show our partner we truly understand by trying to do those things that we have agreed to do. Making an effort shows commitment and concern for the needs and feelings of our partner and creates positive attitudes and a more loving relationship.

 Following these steps is a good guide for most conflicts. Try it, you'll like it.

Why Get Married....

The current trend in thinking among young people is that marriage is just a piece of paper and doesn't matter in the scheme of what really makes relationships work. Marriage or having children for that matter does not a relationship make. So, why get married?

Marriage is in essence a promise. We promise to be in it, to try, to not give up and to outlast difficult times to get back to loving one another. It's a promise to be faithful, to be engaged, to not back off. The marriage promise helps to promote safety and security that supports the hope that we can love more intensely and deeply. 

Statistics have born out that couples who are married have a better success rate than those who simply live together. The reason is that marriage is a stronger commitment. The wedding ceremony is a vocal and ceremonial ritual where we promise to be together in front of our entire family and friends. This level of commitment includes all the social controls and support that living together lacks. Also, when we are married we put our whole lives together, we make plans for the future, we become family.

And families stick together. We hope.

Wedding Bell Blues

Couples need to find a balance between their romantic ideals and the realities of married life or coupledom. Spending lavishly on a wedding that will be over in a flash is entirely impractical and frankly (pardon my expression) irrational.

In the world of marriage counselors, there is a saying that there is an inverse ratio between the size of the wedding and the length of the marriage. Ted Huston, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Texas, carried out a long-term study on newly married couples. He called it the PAIR project, an acronym for Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships, and followed 168 couples through the first two years of marriage. He found that couples who began their relationships with a high degree of romantic mythology with high expectations about what love should be had a more difficult time adjusting to married life than those who started out with more realistic expectations of marriage.

Large weddings are so romantically charged that the mundanity of modern marriage can be a huge letdown. In my private practice as a couples' therapist of 20-plus years, I see firsthand how most couples regret spending thousands on a wedding especially when they are experiencing hard times.

Maria Shriver said recently that she would never have had such a big wedding looking back on it--and she could afford it. "