Dr. Bill's Blog: Insight on maintaining healthy relationships and living a more fulfilled life

Getting Through Worry

What is the song, "Don't worry be happy?" Were it so easy we would all be better off. Worry is instilled in us from a very early age. We worry about money, jobs, love, friends or whatever else might come up. Worry is like a light that we shine on different things but the worry is the same. The financial downturn, rising prices, the demands of daily life give rise to constant stress and worry. It appears out of thin air like an odorless, tasteless gas, invading our thoughts.

Where does worry come from? It originates with our parents. If they worried all the time then they couldn't teach us how to understand life better or how to cope with the difficulties that it presents. Worry can also be cultural.

Worry is magical thinking. We believe that it does something to us that helps us. Like our worry makes us more vigilant or if we worry hard enough it will keep our loved ones safe and the plane they are flying in won't fall from the sky. Worry is a useless waste of good energy and provides nothing except more worry.

The only thing there is to do is to focus on what makes our lives work better which takes concentration on events occurring right in front of us that we can actually do something about. To rid ourselves of worry is near impossible. If it is going to occur we must develop an objective view of the universe rather than everything revolving around us. Worry is essentially fear. To not be fearful requires that we take action either by learning something, doing something or becoming a better person.

Virtual Dating

Let’s face it, internet dating is a bit dicey. Sure it’s the new town hall and it certainly is a place to meet eligible people. But as we pour over the myriad of glowing profiles in our quest to find a suitable person, we soon find these sometimes aggravating patterns. One more profile that touts long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners and I am ready to lose my lunch. What really irks me about online dating is the creep factor. It’s a perfect place for guys to prey on lonely women by saying they want a committed relationship but really just want to hook up and move on. Truth be told, we just don’t really know who we are really getting online because it's a great venue for making stuff up about ourselves and we can still be anonymous. It doesn’t mean we should not try to find someone online, we just have to be careful.

So, how can we sift through all the false information to find the true right person for us? There are some simple rules we can follow to tilt the odds a bit in our favor. First off, don’t believe anything you read, seeing is believing. It's common practice as we all know to lie about our age, fluff up or finer qualities and make like we are the living embodiment of the American dream. Of course we all want to put our best foot forward, but buyer beware, there may be more to the picture than meets the eye.

Some actual ways of knowing someone has everything to do with where they’ve been. Some things to think about might be where and who do they come from? What is their education, career, goals in life? Who do they most respect? What are the events that have shaped them? What are they like when they are angry? Do they talk negatively about their previous relationships?  

Ultimately, none of these factors can compare to who someone really is in the clinches. Conflict resolution, negativity and defenses are the make or break issues over the long haul. We can meet the most fetching or handsome person and the two of you can have everything in common, but if you get into it with them and they go for the jugular, you won’t be with them or you won’t be you if you do. So, really it’s all about whether they can handle a good fight constructively and what their general outlook on life is.

One thing we don't usually read about in a profile is whether they are self critical, depressed, anxious or bipolar. Our relationship with ourselves is the template for how we are with others and it can be well hidden online. If we hate ourselves how in the world are we not going to hate who we are with? If our mother or father were a nightmare and we haven’t come to terms with it, there is going to be hell to pay down the road. Do they have they ability to hang in there when times are tough, will they be there for you when you need them? No matter how a relationship begins it’s what we make it into that really counts.

So, what have we learned from all this meandering here? Relationships are complicated. It takes time for all the personal stuff to rise to the surface. We need to see how they will be during difficult times and how they resolve issues inside and out, or put another way, from within and between. There are certainly many aspects of a person that will make them known to us over time. Time is the key factor for the internet set. Trust is earned, respect is created from who we are and love is an activity. For all these factors to be present in a love relationship we have to be patient.

So, when you are reading the profiles, it is a good to remember that this is someone’s fantasy about themselves and who they truly want to be, but we do need to know where the rubber meets the road. Are they really that way or is it just a shtick that they think will lure us into believing that they really can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Who may actually show up may be quite different than their publicity page or what we refer to as their profile. Not that there are not many people who are totally being true to themselves but we never really know if that dog can hunt.

Here are some tips to good dating.

1. Can they show up on time?
2. Are they respectful?
3. Do they have a decent sense of humor?
4. Are they willing to talk about themselves in ways that are not flattering?
5. Do they have good relationships, friends, family?
6. Do their ex-wives or husbands like them and are they speaking to their children?
7. How do they define themselves, in true terms?
8. Are they educated or employed?
9. How negative or defensive do they seem?
10. Are the plants in their home still alive?

How A Good Fight Can Save Your Relationship

Lannie and Dave were out for breakfast one morning and suddenly wham! Without warning, their mood flipped from light hearted to anger in a split second. They were in a fight. He had picked up his cell phone and answered it. She went ballistic. Why? Because they had an agreement about no cell phones at meal time.  They both had stressful jobs so meals were all about connecting.

Dave: What?

Lannie: We had an agreement and you broke it.

Dave: Geez, lighten up, big deal, I had to take the call.  

Lannie: If you would keep your promises I wouldn’t have to be this way.

Dave: Hey, most of the time I do and the minute I don’t do it exactly, you have a fit.

Lannie: You're so unbelievably selfish.

Dave: You’re such a nag.

They went downhill from there. Can you guess as to what went wrong in this interchange? Basically everything. They were defensive, critical and stubbornly held on to their positions. Why would they do this at the expense of their relationship? Ah, the paradox? We want to have a good relationship but alas, the forces within will not permit it. Let me explain.

We live in a world within that in many ways was determined when we were very young. Usually the systems we build to cope early on are the culprit later on. In other words what saved us then is killing us now. How so? Well, we can’t see it but our system developed those skills because as children we could not bear the pain, so our psyche came in to help us out. Here it is. All children and that means 100% of all children respond the same way to the same conditions. If they felt too distant from their parents they will try to make up the difference by being perfect to bring them closer. Being perfect does not go unnoticed by the child who feels less than the perfect idealized self in his or her head. He therefore devalues his true self in favor of the self that he feels is more acceptable.

Often when couples fight their early traumas are colliding with each other except they don’t know it. It’s what I call the confluence of pain. When couples have no clue as to what is causing their argument they wind up in emotional cul-de-sacs that spiral round and round with no end in sight.

Cut to breakfast with Dave and Lanni and we see these issues rearing their ugly head in the form of how Dave couldn’t own up to what he had done and defended. Lanni for her part was miffed that he had not kept his promise but was not letting him off the hook. To have acknowledged her would be like confirming his worst fear, that he was inadequate. For her to let him off the hook would mean that she was giving in. Now we’re getting somewhere. Taking this idea forward to what a good fight might look like, we can use another scenario that would not include their deeper issues.

Lannie: We had a deal to not talk on the phone during mealtime.

Dave: You’re right, I’m sorry. I understand and agree that it is important to have this time together. It’s just that sometimes I get compulsive about the phone and can’t help myself.

Lannie: I can see that. How could I remind you without making you feel criticized?

Dave: Just tell me that you love me.

Lannie: You’ve got it, I love you.

End of story. In real life it’s more of a struggle but the bare bones are there. To fight well, we need to feel that at the end of it we are closer than we were before the fight. To clear up misunderstandings, affirm the other person and find solutions are the natural ingredients of good conflict resolution. That something has been cleared up, that some truths were exposed, that we know something more about the person or we have unburdened ourselves of something that was in the way are means to an end toward intimacy.  

Good fights are like professional boxing, there are rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no yelling, taunting, name calling or swearing. These are the basics. Take the time to cool off, make sure you acknowledge the other person, define the problem, find out what each one of you can do to make it better and then push for production. This is what works. So, why can’t we do it? It’s because fighting is complicated. There are many layers and levels of pain and defenses that can easily be a part of the mix. That’s why we need to see anger as informative but not expressive. Anger tells us that something is hurting us or frustrating us. Is it old or new?

A good fight can lead to a stronger connection when we know what we are really fighting about and what is actually at the bottom of our disagreement. If we grew up in a critical environment we will naturally be more sensitive to anything that feels like criticism. If we feel like we are stupid because we were told we were and our partner makes us feel that way, defenses will immediately occur to protect us.

All good fights are fought fairly and after both people have cooled down and reflected about what was bothering them. This does not mean it won’t start out angrily. Anger is normal. It’s what we do with  anger that matters most. It’s not what we say so much as how we say it. If we can deliver the message by taking the other person into consideration we will deliver the meaning differently than from our sense of entitlement to rage. After all they hurt us and they must pay. Not if you want a relationship.

Truth be told all good relationships begin with the one we have with ourselves. If we are self critical we will be critical of our mate. If we are self loathing we will end up loathing our mate. On it goes. Resolving our inner antagonism goes a long way toward building an outer harmony.  

All good relationships whether internally or in the outside world operate the same way. Compassion, understanding, respect and empathy works and criticism, defensiveness, contempt and shutting down don’t. The struggle is to create a balance between what we need to do for ourselves to make us feel fulfilled and what we need from our loved ones to feel filled up. That we matter, that kindness counts, and if we are to be truly loving with our mate we must first be internally accepting. It’s self acceptance that creates a place for love to come in and go out. The more we are able to release ourselves from what binds us, the more we listen to the feelings, needs and concerns of our mate, the more we will be truly happy together.  

Some tips:

• Adjust our expectations to fit with reality. If it’s not working it’s probably not realistic.
• Be true to your word. Keeping promises makes your life work better.
• Everyone counts including you. Everyone matters.
• Never repress or express anger. Take time to look deeper.
• Never assume. Always check them out.
• Almost nothing is personal.
• Listening is key.
• Acknowledge first, then make your point.
• Don’t hide your feelings, put them on the table, but with compassion.
• Ambivalence and alienation are normal. Talking about it makes it go away.

We all want good relationships but find them to be at times difficult, vexing and unnerving. Yet, we crave closeness and love. In the struggle to find it and maintain it we inevitably become better people and ultimately learn more about ourselves. In the end it is better to get it out then hold it in, what we don’t say is held within and creates distance between couples. So, armed with a healthy process we have the opportunity to create a new intimacy with every fight. Fight on. 

For more insight on creating and maintaining a happy relationship, check out Dr. Bil's new book:
Happy Together: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment, and Intimacy

 

Negative Capability

The poet John Keats in a letter to his brother brought up the notion of negative capability. What he said was that in life negative things happen all the time. We don't try to make them happen but we make mistakes, or things just go wrong, not just with life but with friends, family, even strangers. He also concluded that there was no stanchion or pillar that we can lean to save us from negative experiences. From this seemingly dark perspective what are we to do with the existential given of negative experience? How do we develop this capability?

In our culture there are the happiness people, the mindfullness, humanistic, artistic, psychological and cognitive behavioral folk who tout these processess as the cure for what ails us. My colleague used to say that there was no cure of life. Allen Watts, the British Zen master said that we have this quaking mess inside us and the problem was not that it's there, but that we feel bad about having it. Much of our spiritual leadership whether they mean to or not set goals for us like satori, or nirvana, even bliss. These concepts are valuable but they are goals not necessarily destinations. So what can we do to navigate the straights and narrows of our very challenging world? We drive to work and are cut off in traffic, someone takes something we said and turns it around to hurt someone with it. Things like this are common practice. Do we turn a deaf ear, move to a desert island, buy a rubber car?

I do try to be perfect, do things just right, cross my t's, dot my I's but damn it, things go wrong. I make mistakes, not just in what I do but at times my judgement falters. I really don't like that it does, but there it is. What I do is everything I can think of. I meditate, talk to anyone who will listen, reflect, make notes, problem solve. Inevitably, the problem gets solved or it doesn't, people understand or they don't. So we endure, we go through it, we make it to the other side. The question is how difficult or how easy?

One key to being able to endure these inevitable life glitches, mistakes, reconnings, is to not take them personally, don't expect them not to be there and don't think there is any saving us from them. They happen, we learn as much as possible, we try to make it better and then we move forward. The more we "what if" or worry about the future or the past the worse it gets, but in the end we do it anyway. What I have learned is to be kinder to myself and focus more on the problem. If I try making the problem better instead of me better, I am inevitably more successful. Nothing works all the time no matter what. My experience has taught me that most often whatever my worst fear may be, it turns out to not be true. If there is no saving us from the difficulties of life, then we need to think more about enjoying the ride and know that in the end what we have spent so much time worring about doesn't really matter. What matters most is that we have people in our lives that we love, that we work at something that has meaning to us, and we learn how to stay present as much as possible. The rest is just stuff.

Why are we so antagonistic to ourselves and those we live with?

One explanation is that as we are descended from hunters and are therefore aggressive, and because we don't expend that energy hunting we take it out on ourselves and those we live with. Another clue to this natural antagonism may be that we have not learned how to sublimate enough of our aggression into culturally acceptable activities like art and physical exercise.

We certainly can make a case for aggression being the result of our American culture that puts so much pressure on us to compete and succeed. It would seem logical that the stress of modern life would bring out a more aggressive side to our personalities. Living in large cities with the intensity of living closely with others can also take its toll on our sense of well being. We read about cultures in the South Seas that seem so tranquil and after traveling to Costa Rica it sure seems to be true. 

Another factor could be our upbringing. If we witnessed a free flow of aggression and criticism that we internalized into perfection and self criticism, we may also apply the same process that we do to ourselves and to our mate. Certainly the models that we had as children do affect the way we respond to our current relationship and certainly to our relationship with ourselves. 

So what can we do about this aggression? The first thing might be to learn how to let go of or better yet work through our perfection/criticism cycle. The next best thing is to develop our compassionate, understanding, respectful and empathic side of our personality. There is of course taking time to rest, reflect and have fun, not to underestimate the power of meditation and recreation.

The most important part of all of this is to start looking, seeing and understanding who we are and what we do both to ourselves and others. Another is to inspect our defenses so we don't build walls to our awareness of ourselves and what we do with those we love.

How To Be Happy During The Holidays

We already know something about expectations. But what about staying happy during a happy time? Not so easy when it comes to gift giving or tight budgets or whether we can give anything at all to those we love. Family members are either around or not and either one may be stressful.

Here is where to start. Remember to take pleasure in small things, those little nice experiences where we meet someone on the street and they smile at us or when something actually goes right for a change. Take time to reflect on the things that we are grateful for in our lives. Find whatever silver lining that exists and make the most of it. Take some time to slow down and enjoy the moment. If we get so caught up in what we are doing to finish every single task we are not actually savoring what it is that we are doing and what time of year it is. It is the time of year to join in the merriment of being together, being alive and celebrating traditions that we have grown up with.

Separating ourselves from the hype, the aggravation and the pressure to get everything perfect is the goal. Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself and recognize that you have a right to enjoy the holiday season too. Remember that the greatest gift is the gift of love. Loving kindness goes a long way toward making your holidays season really happy. If you can't buy gifts then make something. Writing a note to everyone you love an telling them how much they mean to you is something that can be treasured. You can always make it up when times are better. It's never the size of the gift but the size of the love you give it with that matters most.

Count your blessing, make something special, take some time for merriment and take pleasure in the positive is the best holiday message.

Be well and be safe.