Dr. Bill's Blog: Insight on maintaining healthy relationships and living a more fulfilled life

Love at First Sight

A Beatles song captures the imagination of youthful love in the verse, "When she crossed that room, my heart went boom and I fell in love with her." When we are hit with that thunderbolt, we become teenagers again as a tsunami of chemicals amass the feelings of love at first sight. At this point our bodies are chock full of pheromones, oxytocin and vasopressin, the love combo, as it whipsaws us around in a whirl of chemical goo. How sweet it is. Scientists now believe we needed those compounds to survive as a species when animals roamed free some ten thousand years ago. At the time a women needed a man to be interested enough to protect her and her infant until the child was old enough to keep up with the swift moving tribe.

The tempo of a new relationship feels like it has wheels as it moves at emotional lightning speed toward a full blown commitment. Before we know it, we are walking down the aisle and saying our "I do’s." Real life is another matter. We soon realize that this vision of perfection has some chinks. Often the person we thought we knew has morphed into another species. Relationships start out romantic then lead to disappointment and ultimately to alienation according to Daniel Wile the noted relationship author and speaker. Wile contends that while relationships are filled with a certain struggle all is not lost. We can’t do much about disappointment but we can work on alienation. These alienated situations need to be talked out, worked through, so we become more connected and less ambivalent.

Get the picture, of course you do. Relationships can be quite nurturing, loving and kind or cut like a knife right into the sinew and nerve of our most sensitive feelings. Eventually, we find some serious annoyances and defenses which can suddenly spring forth in avalanches of boiling anger, ready to rip our loved one from ear to ear. Relationships present quite the challenge over the long haul. What it really takes to continue the love we had at first is something to strive for, but the secret is that we have to pay attention. For love to endure we need to learn how to throw the proverbial log on the relationship fire. To maintain a loving relationship requires that we are the sort of person whom someone could love. We think we can do whatever we want, say anything that comes to mind and let it all hang out. But a marriage license can’t become a license to kill if love is to remain viable. To preserve a loving relationship requires that we make love in every sense of the word. It doesn’t always just happen, it takes some planning, some perseverance, tolerance and a sense of humor to make it run smoothly.

When we are first in love we can’t really know what may lie ahead. For the next umpteen years we are faced with the foibles and flaws of another human being. Trying to change them is useless, so the only solution is to accept this person warts and all or go down the path toward relationship hell. If we don't know something about our own craggy inner terrain we are doomed to the jungle of conflict cycles with no foreseeable end or the dead end of fighting for position in competitive power failures.

Love after the initial blast off is essentially a creation. We fashion love through first-rate conflict resolution skills, communication, laughter, sex and affection. Love is an activity; it is about creating love by being loving, kind, caring, responsible, reliable and supportive. In this way we actively promote loving feelings. Obviously, if we apply compassion, understanding, respect, empathy, acceptance, patience and perseverance we will support loving feelings. Through all the vagaries of relationships they inevitably lead to negotiating our wants, needs, dreams and wishes with another who is hopefully interested enough to consider it. When it is all said and done we need to tend our relationship garden with gentle hands. If we actively create moments of enjoyment while letting the small stuff roll like water off a rock we will win the relationship wars. We must not forget that our relationship is perfect but there is always room for improvement. The work of love is gaining the ability to look at ourselves from within and between while listening to our loved one so they can show us what we cannot see.

Some Reflection

"Only connect,” wrote E. M. Forster in Howards End,“and human love will be seen at its height.” Love depends on a couple’s ability to forge and then maintain the precious bond between them. We want to look more closely at ways of creating connection, preserving it through challenging times, and healing breaks when they occur.

One way to think about marriage or relationships that are important, whether in the work place or at home, is to think of them like relations between two foreighn countries with different cultures, desires, states of mind, wants, and needs. If the countries are to get along, they must use proper protocol, proper greetings, good manners, cordiality, and consideration. From this standpoint, we can think of ourselves as goodwill ambassadors. Being diplomatic especially when we are expressing a complaint helps us to accept the bitter pill. When we are expressing emotionally charged feelings about what we want and don’t want, like or don’t like, we are much more likely to be heard and understood if we say it in a way that is respectful and kind.

Considering important relationships in terms of relating to a neighboring county and each one wants to live in peace is a good way to think about what it means to create a loving environment. We have freedom in relationships, but not license to do whatever we want without repercussion or consequence. If we believe that love and respect are earned through our behavior, then we will be much more likely to think about what we say and do. Being civil, diplomatic, and thoughtful goes a long way toward being understood and accepted. The best way to get through to our

COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION

As we know, relationships do not always run smoothly. There are many factors that influence our thinking, feelings, and attitudes in ways that may conflict with our partner’s—among them gender, race, religious background, temperament, sexual desire, stress, career pressures, education level, personal sensitivities, and values. If we take these differences into account in our communication style, we can tailor how we say what we think and feel to our partner. For example, if we know that our partner is biased or has particularly tender feelings about a particular subject, we can take that into consideration in the way we speak to him or her and learn how to steer around their internal land mine.

Other elements that influence our communication style are the demands associated with things like the cost of living, work, family, friends, personal interests, and health issues. We cannot help but bring these pressures to bear in our relationships. Couples who fashion their communicative style in a way that reflects this complexity create a healthier partnership and ultimately a more loving relationship. This is the goal of healthy couple interaction—to respond to our partner with tenderness and tolerance, amidst feelings of fairness, concern, and a willingness to listen with an open mind and share ideas that include finding common ground.

There are two levels of emotional content in conflicts with our partner,manifest and latent—both what appears to us when we observe our own and our partner’s behavior and what lies below the surface that may be influencing our behavior. Understanding and addressing the latent concerns is often the best way to resolve our differences and difficulties together. For example, if a couple are in conflict because one of them wants to get married and the other doesn’t, the manifest content might be a sense of reluctance on the part of one person, but the latent content could very well be fear of failure. If they frame their discussion differently What kind of marriage do we want to have and what are we most afraid of? they can include in that conversation both manifest and latent content. Bringing the latent content into our communications helps draw us closer because it allows us access to the entire personality and thus makes it possible to end the conflict. When couples do not address or resolve the latent content their conflict will not be resoled and is most commonly the reason for conflict cycles to continue culminating in stalemate or hopelessness. Understanding latent content helps us stay in a position of support to nurture both ourselves and our partner.

Good conflict resolution skills require focus and time. With all the pressure we encounter in our daily lives, time for this kind of reflection and discussion can be elusive, so we need to deliberately create opportunities to talk about the dimensions of our concerns. The first step is to understand what our basic concerns are, and the second step is to present them diplomatically. The third step is to find some solutions that might work well for both people. For the couple who were arguing about whether to marry, it might work best to set a time and date for a decision then make an agreement to talk about what kind of marriage they want and work through their fears. Love is a complicated act and requires not only understanding of the other but knowledge of one's self. If we understand what we are bringing to the table in any conflict we are half way toward resolution. When relataionships fail it is because one or both people are not willing to look at what they might be contributing to the problem. The critical element then is generosity in a conflict. If we are generous we will take a look and what we are being told and try to connect it to ourselves. At the very least and most importantly we can acknowledge our partner even if we don't agree. Being heard and understood is in the end is the way we connect. If our relationship is primary and connection is key, then we always know where we are going and what it takes to create love.

The Architecture of Love

Creating intimacy is a lot like building a house. We start with a solid foundation of truth, acceptance, and reality; we lay out the rooms of our desires, fantasies, wants, and needs; we frame the windows to our soul, wire in our emotional connections, add the hardware of values, joy, and sexuality, and join them all together to create a home. The raw materials for our building are drawn from a dialogue about what we want, need, and value about ourselves and our mate.

The dialogue of intimacy, as we’ve seen, is about knowing who we are and what we want from life together and making agreements based on realistic expectations and shared values. So that we can maintain an open and constructive dialogue, it’s helpful to keep some key points in mind:

1. Understand your fears so they don’t come out as blame or criticism. If we are afraid to be close for fear of rejection, or if we feel ashamed about needing anyone, we may use blame and criticism to distance ourselves as a protective measure.

2. Acknowledge what your partner is telling you before you make your point. Letting our partner know that we understand how he or she feels maintains our connection.

3. Discuss what you want and need from each other. Defining our needs helps us know more about how to satisfy them. It is also a way to work through the fear of depending on or needing anyone.

4. Build commonality through conversations about deeply held beliefs. Making connections through common values and concerns helps to build a stronger base.

5. Air complaints on a regular basis. Don’t let them build up too long or they will create resentment and distance.

6. Be in touch with your defensiveness so you can prevent it from disrupting your ability to solve problems. The more we know about how our defenses are working, the better able we are to prevent emotional distance. By being unable to listen and respond to what our partner is trying to tell us, we impede our ability to resolve conflicts.

7. Never assume. People often act on assumptions without ever giving the other person the right to deny them or correct them. Assumptions are often about our own issues that we are projecting onto our partner. Check out your assumptions by asking about them in the form of a question, such as: “When we were talking the other night about my past, it felt like you were being critical of me, even though you didn’t say it directly. Did you mean to be critical?”

8. Treat your partner with respect. Be civil and listen with an open mind.

One of the most important things we can do to develop intimacy is to learn how to listen well to what our partner is trying to tell us. If intimacy is like a house, we might say that listening is the door by which we enter. And active listening is more than hearing what our mate has to say; it’s letting him or her know that we have heard and giving feedback that validates what’s been said. Let’s say our mate wants to talk about a bad day at work. We can listen actively using simple responses: nodding, saying “Yes” or “Uh-huh,” or actually repeating back what we have heard (“It sounds like your boss said some harsh things in that meeting”).

Intimacy stimulates an entire range of feelings and moods. In healthy relationships, Often feelings may fluctuate from being in love to feeling annoyance or anger to not feeling much of anything. Life stresses such as work pressures, health issues, family crises, and difficulties with friends affect our mood states, evoking emotional responses. If we are to live in harmony with our partner, we need to be aware of how our fluctuating feelings affect our ability to love.

How Knowing Gets in The Way

The old Bob Dylan song goes something like "I was so much older then, I am younger than that now." I guess that dates me a bit, but there is a kernel of truth in Bob's timeless lyric. I think what he meant was that when we are young we are so sure of what we believe in and we are so wise in our own mind. But as we mature, we discover that our sense of truth doesn't hold up to ambiguity, nuance and shades of grey. We become less sure of what seemed to be so true at one time. This not knowing makes us feel not as old as we once felt. As a society we are enamored with knowing. From pundits to know-it-alls, we admire those people who seem to have a handle on what appears to be the truth. In relationships knowing just gets in the way.

When we know something, when we believe we are right, we are walled off. Openness comes from not knowing, being available to new ideas, especially from our partner. Openness to their truth creates a relationship that is a living thing, and entity that is constantly changing. The most unreachable people I have met in life are the ones who are so sure they know what they are thinking. There is simply no way in. Ignorance is bliss in relationships, because it allows us to take in the thinking of our partner, because we are looking for the truth. Knowing is the end of the search.

This does not mean that we must abandon all knowledge, especially when we can use it to gain more knowledge. It is the attitude of knowing, the closed thinking that creates the blocks to loving. Knowing that we need to be open is knowing something important. So how do we distinguish between knowing something and remaining open? Interestingly, they are not really at odds with each other. What we need to know is how to suspend knowing so we can let the other person influence us. Letting someone's impressions, perceptions and intuitive responses come out and be seen and understood allows us to take a step back so we can look and understand.

I remember a couple who came to me for therapy and the husband was a very well educated man and his wife was not as well trained. His attitude was clear, she was inferior to him. He was the one who knew and she was the one with the problem. She would say to him, "you are always so sure you know what is right and wrong and you are so perfect, but that makes me the one with the problem." He was so sure he knew better and saw her frustration as evidence of her rage and depression. In his universe her feelings were were entirely unfounded. He didn't believe for a second that she had a point of view that was reasonable or valid. Trying to get through to him was like talking to a wall. Underneath his knowing, righteous and superior position was a very scared and angry child who didn't believe he could be loved. His only method of keeping his wife from leaving him was to tear her down so she couldn't leave. This process was killing who they were.

Suspending what we know long enough to listen and let go of our truth allows us to stand as equals. When we are sharing our inner experience with one another in an atmosphere of acceptance it creates a shared knowledge that is far more powerful than our personal knowing. It is with this kind of caring that we can let go and see what is true. The truth will set us free as long as we know that it comes from both people looking together into the complexity of their own experience. 

Road Blocks To Love

Just as there are methods and means for creating love, there are defensive processes that can obstruct it. Let’s take a look at some of the main love-killers.

Globalization: “Everybody does that.” Globalization essentially obscures the truth. If someone doesn’t want to admit that he or she has some responsibility in the problem, globalization is a perfect distraction.

Blame-shifting: “And you do the same thing but worse.” Another excellent way to shift the blame away from yourself and back onto the other person.

Victimhood: “I’m so good to you, and you treat me so badly.” The victim is always innocent and good. This is an emotional double whammy. “Not only are you picking on me but you should feel guilty because I am so good.”

Gaslighting: “I was just kidding; can’t you take a joke?” “Noise? What noise?” This process is more insidious because it is an effort to make the other person feel crazy in order to gain power and control.

Entitlement: “You’re the one who made me angry. You deserve it.” Entitlement is like a free pass to behave however you want to because you are the aggrieved party. This kind of behavior is a surefire defense because nothing gets through.

Denial: “I’m not angry.” Denial is an emotional way to slam the door on any form of communication about what went wrong.

Displacement: “Just because you had a bad day at work, don’t take it out on me.” Displacement happens more than most people know or understand. It’s important to tell our partner when we think this is going on.

Guilt: “I work my ass off to give you everything and you can’t even make me some tea.” Guilt is often part of playing the victim, but it can also be used as a control mechanism.

Shame/Blame: “You’re a human slug. You never do anything.” This process is essentially infantile because there is no empathy or compassion in it. Infants and children are not expected to be compassionate, but adults are.

Stonewalling: “This is the way I am; take it or leave it.” Stonewalling is exactly that: it shuts down communication. Another form of stonewalling is simply to say nothing.

Projection: “You think I’m stupid, don’t you?” This process is very common because most people are not in touch with how insecure they feel, so what they experience feels like it is coming from the other person when it is really coming from within.

Devaluation: “You really could lose some of that extra weight.” Devaluation is a defense against caring and needing anyone. The less others mean to us, the less we need them.

Constructive Communicating

As we look at what it takes to sustain a loving relationship, it may appear to be quite daunting. I try to support couples by explaining that if they can learn effective problem solving, it will only be difficult in the beginning. If we can evaluate and understand what causes negative communication, both from our own assessment and from listening to what our partner is telling us, our reality will, in time, meet our expectations. We may go many months or even years between serious conflicts once we know how to create a loving environment that is rich with humor and loving kindness.

Learning to evaluate the way we’re communicating, and to talk to our partner in constructive new ways, can be a challenge in itself, especially if the old ways are deeply ingrained. So I work with couples to help them change their interactive style and incorporate the elements of effective communication. Effective communication involves our ability to recognize what it is that we are feeling, then what it is we want. In this process, we take time to initially assess what is wrong or what we need to communicate. Next, we make sure that the other person gets the message the way we are intending it. Then we recognize and express what the problem or the need is. Once we have defined the problem or the need, we can then look at possible solutions that both people feel comfortable with. Most important in this process is to listen with empathy, tolerance for differences, and understanding about what is being said, and to provide feedback to show that we recognize each other’s positions. The dialogue below contains most of the elements of effective problem solving. This may look easy, but guess what, it’s not.

He:   When you withdraw, it scares me. My parents withdrew from me when I didn’t behave the way they wanted, and my girlfriends rejected me because I didn’t behave the way they wanted, so when I get angry or upset with you I’m afraid to show it because I’m afraid that you’ll throw me away. So I push you away.

She:  I will never throw you away because you get mad at me, but I will get upset if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you. It always comes out anyway. We have to tell each other how we feel without tearing away our love for each other. When I say something that is insensitive and you shut down, and then I get more angry and critical, we are just repeating our old patterns. How can we make this different?

He:   We could start by understanding what we are doing to alienate each other. Then we could take some time to find out what we are after. Once we know, then we can help each other to give what we need and want.

The key elements here are support, understanding, and a willingness to reflect on one’s own behavior. Using self-knowledge and feelings to resolve conflicts together creates a compassionate and loving outcome. The more a couple can create these kinds of conversations, the better they will be at creating love that lasts.

How Love Is Made

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

—Anaïs Nin

The way a relationship begins is often a far cry from what it’s like after many years of being together, and what it’s like is what we make it. If our partner asks for help and we don’t give it—or if we take a moment to consider our partner’s point of view; if we feel entitled to scream obscenities when we’re angry—or if we pay close attention to our partner’s needs; either way, our actions will have consequences, positive or negative. To ensure that the love we begin with is still there 10 or 20 years in the future is thus a constant process of making and creating a loving environment.

When people talk about the “work” of relationships, what do they mean? Simply that if a relationship is to stay intimate, loving, and happy, it requires some effort on our part. We need to be compassionate and consciously available; to make sure we understand our partner’s point of view before we express our own; to speak and act respectfully; to check our defenses at the door and empathize instead of falling into tit-for-tat retaliation. During arguments we must remember who it is we love and what our intentions are for the relationship. At the same time, we must be aware of what is causing our anger, which may mean holding on to it until we do understand it. To find love is a miracle; to keep it takes focus. Relationship is at its core very simple, but simplicity is a complex process.

People have made war in the name of love, spent fortunes in love’s pursuit, and even died for love. And although there are many ways of loving—from affectionate friendship, to the infatuation of love at first sight, to the romantic love that arises after infatuation fades, to the consummate connection that is forged in an intimate process over many years—they share a common heart. Diane Ackerman writes in A Natural History of Love:

So it is with love. Values, customs, and protocols may vary from ancient days to the present, but not the majesty of love. People are unique in the way they walk, dress, and gesture, yet we’re able to look at two people—one wearing a business suit, the other a sarong—and recognize that both of them are clothed. Love also has many fashions, some bizarre and (to our taste) shocking, others more familiar, but all are part of a phantasmagoria we know. In the Serengeti of the heart, time and nation are irrelevant. On that plain all fires are the same fire.

Others have recognized that fire, too, and given it names of their own. Pioneer psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan wrote that love is the state in which the needs and feelings of the other are as important as or more important than our own. Jean-Paul Sartre wrote of love as a wish or call for the other to come out. Sigmund Freud is well known for describing the two most important conditions in life as love and work. Milan Kundera describes love as interrogation. These notions of love all have a common theme: an intense feeling that pulls one’s thoughts and desires toward the loved one.

For many of us, that intense pull is the defining characteristic of a romantic relationship—and the thing that makes being in love so irresistible to us. We think of romance as the stuff of grand gestures, selfless acts, and consuming feelings of till death do us part. We yearn to be filled with the contentment that the thought of love conjures up. But real love is more than romantic thoughts and feelings passively received. Real love is actively made, and we must consciously choose to make it, not just once but throughout our lives together, over and over again.

An excerpt from "Happy Together".

For more information go to www.happytogetherbook.com

How Valentine's Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

How Valentines Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

Candlelit dinners replete with a fine bottle of wine, diamonds, roses or imported chocolates. NOTE TO MEN: If you haven't planned or purchased something from this list, you're more than likely going to have a horrifying night (and you won’t get lucky either) this Feb. 14th.  Why? Because unrealistic expectations are not just about women, but men too. We all fall into the Valentine’s Day trap and beyond. The problem with romantic fantasy is that it starts long before our first big Valentine's purchase or even before our first kiss.  We've been hearing the “happily-ever-after” fairy tales since we were in kindergarten and we've grown up with a steady diet of the diamonds-are-forever commercials.

The commercialization of Valentine’s Day has given rise to great expectations and just as often great disappointments if the gift giving is not enough to meet our romantic fantasy. These expectations have evolved over time and with the help of jewelers and car makers have encapsulated our longings to be loved with an equally open wallet. This profligate giving of expensive tokens has become the opportunistic statement of our enduring emotional wishes. We all want someone to think we’re special, that we can’t live without them! What better means of satiating our need to be loved than coughing up a diamond or two. The problem is that we may not have the means to meet the need. 

So it is with Valentine’s Day. As our expectations soar with the coming of this much ballyhooed holiday, we can make out the problems that may come with it. It is not that gift giving is bad or that we should not give them but if we are making a connection between the size and cost of the gift with the quality of our love we are creating an expectation that can cause a deep emotional rift in what may be an otherwise healthy relationship. 

Ted Huston, a professor at the University of Texas developed a project in 1979 that followed 168 married couples for fourteen years to see what factors were present in successful long term marriages. He found that couples who entered their relationship with high expectations were far more likely to experience conflict and disenchantment. 

Huston found that even though there is a change from courtship to marriage in the adage that “all finance’s love football” it will not ultimately ruin our relationship. He concludes that the greatest harbinger of hope for couples is of all things friendship. It appears that those couples who managed to keep their expectations realistic and concentrated more on the way they interacted with each other proved to be a winner over the long haul. 

When we think about friendship with our lover what immediately springs to mind is: what’s friendship go to do with romance? Long term love is sustained not by romance alone but by the daily activities of following through on promises, showing up, being there when we are needed, owning up to our responsibility for our part in an argument, and first and foremost by being the kind of person who is worthy of being loved. 

So we ask ourselves how in the world can I be best friends without losing the romance? Not so easy. To do that we need to find out what makes romance and what breaks it. The critical piece that ruins relationships is the inability to resolve conflicts. Here’s where it gets tricky. When conflict arises what do we traditionally do? Usually we get defensive. The best offense is the best defense. Of course if we expect our mate to be romantic and it does not happen we find ourselves complaining and then the defenses come out like July 4^th. The key is to express our disappointments in a way that doesn’t feel critical to our mate. Conflict is normal but our ability to resolve difficulties without alienating our partner is the key to long term romance. Here are just of few our my favorite defenses to avoid. 

Globalization--"Everybody Does That"
Blame-Shifting--"And you do the same thing but worse."
The Victim--"I'm so good to you, and you treat me so badly."
Gas-lighting--"I was just kidding; Can't you take a joke?"
Entitlement--"You are the one who made me angry; You deserve it.
Denial--"I'm not angry."
Displacement--"Just because you had a bad day at work, don't take it out on me."
Guilt--"I work my ass off to give you everything and you can't even make me some tea."
Shame/Blame: "You are a human slug; you never do anything."
Stonewalling: "This is the way I am, take it or leave it."
Projection: "You think I'm stupid, don't you?"
Devaluation: "You really could lose some of that extra weight." 

If we can avoid these toxic defenses we are most of the way there. We have also found that the most common reason for alienating our partner is the inability to be influenced or just plain old not listening. If our mate tells us that Valentine’s Day is really important and that flowers say it all to them about being loved and we can’t find the momentum to pony up a few buds then we have not been listening. 

The next big thing we need to know for Valentine’s Day is showing appreciation. Valentine’s Day is a great occasion to thank our partner for all the good things they do throughout the year that we really do appreciate. Bringing home the bacon, cooking dinners, being a good friend and taking care of business are all great attributes to acknowledge to our partner. It also doesn’t cost a whole lot to write it all down in a card. 

How is it then that we can tell the difference between realistic expectations and what we have come to believe is our romantic due? Central to our Valentine wishes is the reality of what it takes to make it work. Making sweet music is only a part of the equation. Love over time is something we create, we make it from whole cloth, we fashion it from what we find in ourselves and within one another. If we can pay attention, be a safe and secure person to be with, be willing to find a compromise when needed and being a caring mate will get us where we want to go. It is the common touch, the helping hand, being reasonable, fair, open and emotionally connected that are the ingredients of true romance. When I speak to women about love, what they say is not so much hearts and flowers as it is about someone they can depend on. A good sense of humor and a positive attitude more often than not will trump romantic ideals.

When we add it all up it is not so much the loot we come up with but how we treat one another that will ultimately save our relationship. Respect cannot be bought, and it’s the same with friendship. Our ability to be kind, empathic, compassionate and tender will determine the strength and durability of our relationship over time. Relationship success is inevitably linked to our knowledge of what we truly need from one another and for having made peace with our own fantasy expectations.

These basics of love and relationship are fundamental to a lasting intimacy and knowing the fundamentals is a critical component for all great teamwork. Relationships are all about being a good team player. By being there for each other, for tenderness and warmth, we provide lasting proof of our commitment to making it work. Interestingly enough Ted Huston found that men who exhibited what were termed “feminine” traits were more often successful in their marriages. It appears that positive behaviors like nurturing, tenderness and caring actually do work.

I remember early on in my marriage my wife gave me a very generous Valentines Day gift. After expression my displeasure at the over-the-top nature of the gift she said to me “but I want to make you happy.” What I said to her in response made her stop in her tracks. I said “It’s not your job to make me happy, that’s my job.” She was stunned and relieved at the same time. Feeling like we must make our mate happy is a tremendous weight to carry and many a Valentine is based on that premise. Valentine’s Day is a celebration not a responsibility. If we can carry that in our hearts and make each day a special Valentine by being the kind of person we are proud of, we are doing the every day Valentine’s Day work that makes love last. 

Enduring love does not solely lie in gift giving or in the lovey-dovey  cooing and oogling of lovers. Love is the exhaust from the small things of every day life. Being there at times when we are needed, showing appreciation and helping out more often carry the day. So much for great expectations. To that end a rose in your teeth, a song in your heart and breakfast in bed are not a bad start. 

www.happytogetherbook.com 

Virtual Dating

Let’s face it, internet dating is a bit dicey. Sure it’s the new town hall and it certainly is a place to meet eligible people. But as we pour over the myriad of glowing profiles in our quest to find a suitable person, we soon find these sometimes aggravating patterns. One more profile that touts long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners and I am ready to lose my lunch. What really irks me about online dating is the creep factor. It’s a perfect place for guys to prey on lonely women by saying they want a committed relationship but really just want to hook up and move on. Truth be told, we just don’t really know who we are really getting online because it's a great venue for making stuff up about ourselves and we can still be anonymous. It doesn’t mean we should not try to find someone online, we just have to be careful.

So, how can we sift through all the false information to find the true right person for us? There are some simple rules we can follow to tilt the odds a bit in our favor. First off, don’t believe anything you read, seeing is believing. It's common practice as we all know to lie about our age, fluff up or finer qualities and make like we are the living embodiment of the American dream. Of course we all want to put our best foot forward, but buyer beware, there may be more to the picture than meets the eye.

Some actual ways of knowing someone has everything to do with where they’ve been. Some things to think about might be where and who do they come from? What is their education, career, goals in life? Who do they most respect? What are the events that have shaped them? What are they like when they are angry? Do they talk negatively about their previous relationships?  

Ultimately, none of these factors can compare to who someone really is in the clinches. Conflict resolution, negativity and defenses are the make or break issues over the long haul. We can meet the most fetching or handsome person and the two of you can have everything in common, but if you get into it with them and they go for the jugular, you won’t be with them or you won’t be you if you do. So, really it’s all about whether they can handle a good fight constructively and what their general outlook on life is.

One thing we don't usually read about in a profile is whether they are self critical, depressed, anxious or bipolar. Our relationship with ourselves is the template for how we are with others and it can be well hidden online. If we hate ourselves how in the world are we not going to hate who we are with? If our mother or father were a nightmare and we haven’t come to terms with it, there is going to be hell to pay down the road. Do they have they ability to hang in there when times are tough, will they be there for you when you need them? No matter how a relationship begins it’s what we make it into that really counts.

So, what have we learned from all this meandering here? Relationships are complicated. It takes time for all the personal stuff to rise to the surface. We need to see how they will be during difficult times and how they resolve issues inside and out, or put another way, from within and between. There are certainly many aspects of a person that will make them known to us over time. Time is the key factor for the internet set. Trust is earned, respect is created from who we are and love is an activity. For all these factors to be present in a love relationship we have to be patient.

So, when you are reading the profiles, it is a good to remember that this is someone’s fantasy about themselves and who they truly want to be, but we do need to know where the rubber meets the road. Are they really that way or is it just a shtick that they think will lure us into believing that they really can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Who may actually show up may be quite different than their publicity page or what we refer to as their profile. Not that there are not many people who are totally being true to themselves but we never really know if that dog can hunt.

Here are some tips to good dating.

1. Can they show up on time?
2. Are they respectful?
3. Do they have a decent sense of humor?
4. Are they willing to talk about themselves in ways that are not flattering?
5. Do they have good relationships, friends, family?
6. Do their ex-wives or husbands like them and are they speaking to their children?
7. How do they define themselves, in true terms?
8. Are they educated or employed?
9. How negative or defensive do they seem?
10. Are the plants in their home still alive?

Three Things To Remember At Holiday Time

Emotions can run high for the holidays. This time of year seems to bring up our entire history of Christmas or Chanukah past. Hurt feelings can pop out of the woodwork when we least expect it. To keep our sanity there are a few things to keep in mind going into this yule tide season. In case your hopes and dreams are dashed, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. You are of course hoping that this year things will be different or like in the past. Whatever it may be, those memories will be playing tricks on you just like those blinking lights.

First, leave your expectations at the door. The more you expect the greater the possibility for disappointment. Not having expectations helps to just take things as they come. Like going with the flow. If you can take this season in stride and stay in the moment, have some eggnog and settle in, the better off you will be. Remember, it will be over soon enough.

Second, be flexible. No matter how much you may think you have planned, things can go south in a heart beat. You have to be ready for anything. Allowing for change means that when it does happen you will not be thrown for a loop, and start being negative when you want to be positive. Again, it's that flow.

Third, remember what this holiday is all about. It's about loving your family and friends. We've all had a tough year and what will make the next one go better is knowing that you are loved and expressing love to those you do. So, no matter what, let everyone know how much you love them and if you don't have the bucks this year then you can sure make up for it with good will. Nothing feels more like love than some home made cookies.

So when everything comes up different than you might have expected, and uncle Ned is coming with his weird sister, don't panic, don't complain, offer them some cookies with clenched teeth and a big smile. Remember what this season is all about. It's about getting through it with some good cheer.

Happy New Year!

What Is Intimacy?

There are two major components to feeling intimate. First there
is intimacy with ourselves: the personal intimacy that comes from
being  familiar  with  our  own  inner  truths,  our  dreams,  beliefs,
feelings, thoughts, wishes, and desires. Second, there is intimacy
with our partner: the connection we cultivate when we bring this
personal  process  into  our  primary  relationship. This model  for
relationship  intimacy  includes  emotional  availability,  empathy,
care-taking, tender responsiveness, and bearing ambivalence during
difficult times. How we are with ourselves and how we relate to our
partner is a critical part of the dance between our inner and outer
worlds, an interplay that can either enhance or inhibit our capacity
to be happy together.

Intimate activity can take many forms, from giving each other
the freedom to explore individual interests to developing mutual
values, hopes, and dreams. Intimacy that is created from an open
dialogue about our inner and outer worlds ultimately teaches us
about ourselves and who we are as people. As we develop a language
for our relationship by expressing our feelings and thoughts, we
meld our two separate worlds into one whole.

A loving relationship arises from attending to our own thoughts
and feelings and to those of our partner. From this process we
produce shared values, beliefs, feelings, and interests. To reveal our
true self in the presence of another in this way, if done with care,
can be enlivening, enlightening, and joyful. What could be more
satisfying than understanding with greater compassion because we
know someone better? But to achieve this kind of contentment both
in our relationship and within ourselves involves an evolution of
understanding. It is a process, not a short-term goal. We hear the
adage that it’s not the destination that counts, but the journey. There
is no point where we have “arrived,” but a real sense of moving up a very long stream. Harmony comes from shining insight into places along the way, and with that light removing obstructions
block our ability to love deeply and intimately.

Creating intimacy is a lot like building a house. We start with a solid
foundation of truth, acceptance, and reality; we lay out the rooms
of our desires, fantasies, wants, and needs; we frame the windows to
our soul, wire in our emotional connections, add the hardware of
values, joy, and sexuality, and join them all together to create a home.
The raw materials for our building are drawn from a dialogue about
what we want, need, and value about ourselves and our mate.

The dialogue of intimacy, as we’ve seen, is about knowing who
we are and what we want from life together and making agreements
based  on  realistic  expectations  and  shared  values.  

The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy
and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.
— Carolyn Heilbrun