Dr. Bill's Blog: Insight on maintaining healthy relationships and living a more fulfilled life

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

We all know the famous line delivered by the evil Queen in Snow White. The significance of that scene is how the Queen believes she is the most beautiful woman in all the land and she is in reality an ugly old witch. I use this example because I am so impressed by how all of us have such a hard time seeing ourselves clearly. So, we go merrily on our way not really knowing how we may be affecting others. I have seen people who are raging and don't know they are. I see those who feel judged by the world and yet are not being judged. People believe that they must be perfect to be loved or they are loved only on the condition that they behave in a certain way toward others.

In my new book I talk about inter-reflection and how we can use the eyes of the other to see what we cannot. Obviously, we have to trust our partner or therapist to tell us what they see without prejudice or judgement. We have to believe that they are on our side and want only to help us. This may at first be somewhat daunting  but that is the work of all good relationships, to build trust.

Once we understand and accept that we cannot know ourselves in a vacuum, we can begin the process of developing a dialogue about who we are and who we are together. Unlike the evil queen in Snow White we hold up a mirror for the other person to see themselves clearly. I know from my own relationship that we use this method to help each other to become better people. I listen to my wife when she tells me something about myself. It has often been the case that it was something I completely missed because I couldn't see what I was doing. In that sense she has helped me to become more self aware and I have been able to do some good work to become more tuned in and have worked to change those behaviors that were not working for me or for others.

So what is the message here? First, that we need each other, not just for love and affection but for the truth about ourselves so we can evolve into more healthy people. Second, we are just too close to the subject to have much perspective. Third, we are subjects not objects and we need our subjectivity to fully embrace who we are both emotionally and intellectually. Fourth, in developing some objective sense of ourselves we need to listen to those who know us best to determine what we look like from behind their eyes.

Seeing ourselves clearly is sometimes painful because we often hide what is shameful from others so we won't be thrown away. What we find when we connect to those parts of ourselves that have been hidden from our view, is our humanity, and in that process not only become more knowledgeable about ourselves, but also more able to ask for what we want. In this way we are able to make better choices in the way we behave toward others.

In the end it is about making connections with those we love and care about. When we are out of touch with parts of ourselves that material will create powerful defenses and will ultimately break our precious connections with those people we truly love. Once we know what is going on inside us we can create stronger bonds and develop a deeper intimacy.

 

It Does Come Back To Me

Love is in the air, it is on the airwaves. We sing to it, write poetry, plays, films portray it endlessly. We crave love and we want so much to be loved for exactly who we are. It is in all of our DNA to want to be connected to someone or someone's. We want to look longingly in the eyes of our lover and have them look back with the same loving feeling. We expect it. But does life and romance really prepare us for the long haul of a marriage or long term relationship. Living every day with another person can be challenging.

What continues to amaze me is how often I show up in my relationship, but not in a good way always, my  stuff comes up on a regular basis. Here we are in Hawaii and we are playing a game as people do to while away the hours and to do something together that involves interaction. We are after all here to do that. Yet, here I am getting all head up about the game. I want to win, yes crush my opponent, without hesitation. My wife looks at me with some incredulity and I immediately go on the alert. Something is going down here. What in the world am I doing trying to crush my opponent when we are on vacation? Such a "guy thing" I say to myself. But there is more.

I realize that I have a stake in winning because that would mean that I am in fact smart and more unconsciously that I am lovable. I don't know any of this right away but I know enough about myself to know what goes on and what I struggle with. I was the youngest child of a family of geniuses. My father, brother and mother were superior intellects and very very smart. I felt like the village idiot compared to them. Little did I know that I could hold my own. Even after earning a Ph.D., honors, publications and etc... The feelings remain like an emotional insult stamped into my psyche.

I realize that I am trying to work out this issue while playing the game and then I realize how I don't want to do that, I can't do that. I then make a shift to what is really important, having a good time and enjoying our time together. From that point on we are fine. My wife makes a joke later in the game that she holds me to a higher standard. I agree actually, I am a  psychologist. If I can't make that shift then no one can.

Getting back to love, it is things like that, deeply held beliefs, our personal mythology that will get in the way of opening our heart and our soul to our lover. We can only really meet if we can be open and we can only be open if we know how to be loving, and what may be getting in the way.

The famous Socrates quote that an unexamined life is not worth living can be taken a step further to be an unexamined life cannot be loving.

Are we But Passengers?

Communicating our internal dialogue is the best chance we have for sustaining a loving relationship. Bringing feelings, complaints, hurts, and misunderstandings to the surface, and working through them if need be, is the major activity for creating love; it is what keeps the ecosystem in balance and allows it to thrive. Our worst fear is that exposing our pain, expressing needs, and allowing our feelings to be known will bring criticism, humiliation, or abandonment—but the opposite is usually true. Not expressing needs, wants, and feelings is more likely to cause rejection or, at the very least, alienation from our partner. When there are many unresolved issues between people, it creates distance and interrupts their ability to feel loving toward each other. But talking about what we are experiencing is a way to connect. As we learn to talk about our pain, our fears, and our hurt feelings, we build a stronger intimacy.

 

I love this quote by Diane Akerman:

So it is with love that values, customs, and protocols may vary from ancient days to the present, but not the majesty of love. People are unique in the way they walk, dress, and gesture, yet we are able to look at the two people—one wearing a business suit, the other a sarong—and recognize that both of them are clothed. Love also has many fashions, some bizarre and (to our taste) shocking, others more familiar, but all are part of a phantasmagoria we know. In the Serengeti of the heart, time and nation are irrelevant. On that plain all fires are the same fire.