It never fails to amaze me how it is that people can see the same event so differently. While watching a political event on the news I continually observe such variation on the same theme. On a micro level I am in awe of how my patients will view the same experience from such vastly different perspectives, even down to the smallest details.
Why, we may ask, are people so different? Well, for starters I would like to quote John Paul Sartre who said that "experience preceeds essence." A deep thought you might say, or "what the hell is he talking about?" O.K. it means that we are defined by our experience. That our experience affects what we see and how we see it, which caused Sartre to also say that our sense of reality is based on individual perspective. The psychological people have opined that we are the product of our experiences, which is now steeped in popular culture. The brain physiology people have also substantiated through experimentation and research, that our wiring is based on what we have learned or what we have experienced. So, we come by all this contradiction quite naturally.
We might then ask "what kinds of problems do these diffferences create for those couples who wish to stay together?" I explain to exasperated couples that conflict is normal and we need to make differences desireable as a factor in self knowledge through problem solving with our mates, as opposed to this thing we have to get rid of. Specifically, we need to accept that we will, on occasion, not see the same event in the same way. This acceptance is not a death sentence, but a call to find out more, to make agreements, to understand more about our mate and include that knowledge as a part of our knowing who we are and who they are. In this way we can move forward with a better sense of what works for both people.
Couples frequently get caught up in the who said what to whom circuitous argument. "You said you would take out the trash, no I didn't, yes you did" kind of stuff. To stave off the "who said what" cycle, the best trick is to not go there. Instead, work on the future. Someting like "Next time I ask you to take out the trash and you agree, could you acknowledge it so I know you heard me." Talking about what you want and need in the future will help guide your behavior in a more positive direction. There are many machinations of this kind of dialogue that can be future based. Acknowledgement is a key to connection especially during conflicts. Feeling heard and understood goes a long way toward settling problems early on.
So the next time you find yourself on the opposite end of a conversation about what happened or what you remember happened, stick to what you are going to do next time around to make it better. You may be pleasantly surprised.
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